The daddy of spies
Alias's Victor Garber turns agent Jack Bristow into a classic

Scott Feschuk
National Post


CREDIT: ABC, CTV

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Sunday's episode of Alias (ABC/CTV) clinched it: Jack Bristow, the CIA agent played by Victor Garber, has officially become my Favourite Character on Television.

Jack is a secondary player on the spy drama, a fact that won't change so long as Jennifer Garner -- who plays Jack's daughter, Sydney -- remains attractive, her wardrobe remains clingy and the vast majority of the male population of Earth remains heterosexual. Sydney usually gets most of the screen time. Sydney gets to cry and laugh and make out and kick henchmen in the face, often simultaneously. In this fictional world, there is no global threat so menacing that it cannot be subdued by Sydney slipping into high heels and something that reveals her thighs. Jack, meanwhile, gets to wear blue dress shirts, be frequently berated by various government officials and sometimes get caught and tortured so his daughter can have some henchmen's faces to kick and/or make out with.

But Sunday's episode began with Sydney being led to a jail cell by a team of black-clad National Security Council operatives. The head of the NSC is Robert Lindsey, and let me tell you: Television hasn't seen a so-called-good-guy-who's-actually-really-evil of this calibre since Uncle Bobby went off the air. Lindsey was eager to obtain certain information by coaxing Sydney out of her amnesia, in this case by subjecting her to, in the words of one character, "surgery that will render her brain dead" -- though, happily for the show's ratings, still able to wear a bikini.

Back at the office, Jack was already thinking rescue. Mounting a mission to free Sydney would mean "breaking at least a dozen federal laws," he said gravely, this being one of two ways he says things, the other being quite gravely. A dozen laws? This was cause for concern about Sydney's future: Jack is such an old pro that he typically declines missions on which fewer than 18 federal laws will be broken.

It's not so much what Jack does as the way that he does it. He is not flashy, nor does he quip, zing or otherwise deliver pithy one-liners. Rather, he is the master of spy talk -- not the tiresome double entendres of James Bond nor the techno-malarky of Tom Clancy, but good, classic spy talk, the sort of talk that makes you wish you were a spy so you could talk like that and not get laughed at or, depending on your audience, pelted with herring. At one point, Vaughn, another CIA agent and Sydney's former boyfriend, declared that he wanted in on the rescue. "Meet me in the parking garage in three minutes," Jack said. Later, the rescue plan needed to be put into action. "Meet me at this address in two hours," Jack said. Like a good spy talker, Jack is always telling other people where to meet him at some other time.

Jack also has the ability to gaze meaningfully at people in a way that's so meaningful it's impossible to discern the meaning. We saw this in Sunday's instalment, when the episode's director actually resorted to slow-motion to emphasize a locked gaze between Jack and Lindsey. The look on Jack's face said: "I will one day make you pay for what you have done, you bastard." Actually, it might not have said that. It might have said: "I am trying to remember where I left my car keys." The reason for the confusion is that Jack basically has only One Facial Expression -- the sad-eyed, doleful countenance of a middle-aged man whose wife had just dragged him to Mamma Mia! You wouldn't want to play poker with Jack Bristow. That said, if you did express interest in playing poker with Jack Bristow, he would affix you with his One Facial Expression and declare: "Meet me by the green felt table in eight minutes."

In the span of a single episode of television on Sunday night, Jack beat a really smart guy at chess, took fewer than 90 seconds to find and hire an elite strike force of well-trained commandos, obtained weaponry and $3-million in cash (strike forces ain't cheap) from his own top-secret storage locker and armory, arranged for at least two men to meet him at some other place at some other time, successfully adopted a crude, working-class accent to obtain access to a well-protected government facility, performed delicate surgery on a bullet wound to a colleague's torso, infiltrated a heavily guarded National Security Council interrogation facility and, in just the nick of time, shot a doctor with a tranquilizer dart before he could "remove the cap of (Sydney's) skull and begin neural stimulation" -- which, interestingly, is a new method that Hollywood is considering to medically force people to laugh during Eddie Murphy movies.

Jack did all this without flash, without bombast, without changing his facial expression or, if memory services, his shirt. Want to see a good actor have a lot of fun with a very cool character? Meet me next to the television in five days.

I just realised I haven't blogged in about four days. Quite an achievement.

Why We Love Kids


NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the
shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!
That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell
me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it
out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking
for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my
toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little
smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell
in the toilet a few days ago.


KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister,
Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."


MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The
little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the
matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother
said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said
as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my
shoe?"


POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is
that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I
replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"


ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"


DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When
she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know
that it always gives you a headache the next morning."


SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm
just wasting my time," she said to her other. "I can't read,
I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as
he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell
out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between
the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What
have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

I am quite happy, because tomorrow I will go shopping and possibly also go to Borders with my dad, and while I'm at home will watch Boomtown and the tapes Chit brought me. Hopefully THIS plan pans out.

I feel terribly relieved, because through great genius of mine, I have managed to come up with a fix for the schedule problem. Tentatively, but subject to other people's prior commitments, it stands at:

Tomorrow:
Shopping with mom
Movies with Chit at my place

Wednesday:
Ice-skating with whoever's coming, at Jurong
Buffython at Chit's place
Godfather Night at Chit's place
stayover at chit's place

Thursday:
Sleep
Boomtown marathon all by my onesy
Beautician?
IKEA?

Friday:
Buffy/Aliasthon with Chit and Shirin. Daph unfortunately is not invited because of the high likelihood that Alias will be watched.
Go to Wheelock Place with Dad

Saturday:
Watch the rest of the movies at home
Bowling/Cycling at ECP

Sunday:
Pack
Bollywood Night

Monday:
Pack some more
Hair
Make-up
Alma Mater

Tuesday:
Go home
Go to airport
Flight.

It's so nice when it's all organised in black and white. I just hope nobody else comes along with their schedule conflicts and messes it up.

And I've been listening to Rufus Wainwright's first CD while doing all this. Daph do not hold anything against the schedule just because I had Rufus Wainwright in my ear (kinky! and no i don't know why i just thought/said that) while writing it. Anyway. I do like the debut CD very much. It's raw, and the tunes are a little weird sometimes. But the background music is just as beautiful if not more, because there's no huge orchestra. It's just pretty much a piano and sometimes a few violins. But it's rather beautiful.

And I found the Rolling Stone with the Jessica Simpson thing today, at Kino. The article's longer than the one online, or maybe I missed the second half of what was on the Internet. That girl is seriously funny. Vacantly very amusing. People with Johnny Depp is still unavailable, they said to check back on Wednesday or Thursday.

Minty did turn up, stayed till 1130 and then I was on the phone with Chit for about 2 hours, during which I also tore the posters off my walls. Except for Neo and the Hugh Grant and the David Beckham and the Michael Vartan and the Michael/Sydney, everything's gone. Besides Neo, the other three stay, but Neo only stays until I get a replacement for him, because the Blu Tack tore off some of the wall paint. Rather unsightly, so Neo will stay put until I get a poster or a print to replace. Actually I realised David Beckham also needs to go. Forgot to take him off. I couldn't be bothered anyhow. But he has to go. Maybe back to Daphne. His face looks too smug in it, and the turtleneck is kinda ugly. But Daph liked it, so she can have it. And BluTack is bloody annoying, so any poster that I find at Borders will have to be framed. I hope I find something good. When I do find time to go to Borders. I was discussing my packed schedule with Chit. Haphazard schedule. I have like fifty thousand things to do and a week left. Barely. And that's including Bollywood Night and Alma Mater.

I have too many things to do and too little time. When I have time I might post an itinerary. But considering the transient and fickle nature of schedules, an itinerary may be redundant and/or plain useless. I should sleep. And I WISH that my stupid trip was beginning about two days later. That would be SUCH a big help. But damnit I leave on the 2nd, flight's at 410 in the damn afternoon so I have to leave the hotel at 10 and get back home. Damnit.

So I just whined to my mother about the lack of Minty, and apparently Minty's coming on her own. I'll just wait it out for Miss Punctuality.

The dinner guests have arrived and there is music and laughter outside my room, but only music within, because I am a poor solitary soul. Minty's evidently decided not to come although she TOLD me in the morning that she IS coming, but now her parents are here and she isn't and I don't know why. And her phone's off and so's Daph's and Chit's out and Shirin's having dinner and I'm b.o.r.e.d.

I'm SUMMER!

You're Most Like The Season Summer ...

Whoa.... Passionate eh ?? Typically you're a fiery,
zesty dominant person. As the hottest season,
you certainly ooze Sex appeal. You have
confidence which draws people to you, and you
have the makings of a good leader.
However sometimes your exterior is stronger then
you are and so you scare people off before they
can get close.

Well done... You're the most memorable of seasons
:)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

I am terribly sleepy, but apparently some old family friends are going to visit soon. And I mean literally old, my grandparents' friends. Who want to see me, which is why I either have to stay home now or go to lunch at their place tomorrow. Neither of which I want to do, but I have decided that staying home now is the lesser of two evils. Atleast I can small-talk a bit and then escape to my room, versus having to sit there and small-talk/be bored through the afternoon tomorrow. So I have been made to change out of my shorts and t-shirt, into something 'decent'. And I want to sleep.

The last one from List Week, thank god. Every single one has called Alias "fluff", creating a lot of TWoP anger. They don't take us seriously.

TIM'S TV LIST A final list: supporting actors, casts

Tim Goodman
Here are the Five Best Reasons why our "List Week Hootenanny" needs to end now:

1. Tenacious flu bug.

2. We are dreaming in lists and having nightmares about numbers.

3. Kind of running out of ideas, actually.

4. We found more than one nice thing to say about UPN and a bunch of ABC shows, which means we've gone as soft as butter and have temporarily lost our dignity.

5. You know that brilliant Violent Femmes song, "Kiss Off," where Gordon Gano's doing the list countdown and says, "Eight, eight, eight -- I forget what eight is for!"? Yeah, well, we're there.

The question now, for our very last list -- actors who make it worth watching a TV series no matter how bad the series -- is how to avoid a "best actor" category. Otherwise we're just going to put Edie Falco and James Gandolfini at the top and go home. Not that it wouldn't be fun -- Tony Shalhoub, Anthony LaPaglia, Lauren Graham, Kiefer Sutherland, Joe Pantoliano, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Garner's outfits. But ultimately -- too obvious.

So, here's precisely the half-baked idea you'd expect on a Friday after we have wassailed through a mind-rotting week of trying to find the good, bad and ugly on the bastard machine:.

THE 35 MOST RIVETING ACTORS WHO ARE NOT THE MAIN STARS OF THEIR SHOWS

1. Jason Bateman, "Arrested Development." Fox. This show needs to stay alive long enough to qualify for the Emmys so Bateman can get snubbed for the comedy award he so richly deserves from his phenomenal performances.

"Arrested Development" is an ensemble cast. You could argue that Bateman is the star, thus ruining our premise at No. 1. But we're whistling and can't hear you. What?

2. CCH Pounder, "The Shield." FX. Stunning. She's forceful enough to cut out her own character in the wake of Michael Chiklis' virtuoso performance. It's time for her to get an Emmy.

3. John McGinley, "Scrubs." NBC. Have you seen this guy? Clearly the Emmy people haven't. (Next year's list candidate: "Top 7,367 Emmy snubs.'') McGinley is a like a sharp stick to the gut with his snarky delivery. Tremendous.

4. Dominic West, "The Wire." HBO. Ensemble show -- yes, but an argument could be made that West is the center of attention. For two seasons now, he's been exceptionally great with a face full of mixed emotions.

5. Khandi Alexander, "CSI: Miami." CBS. Most of the best work done on this series is done by her. As a coroner with a heart who speaks to, and well of, the dead, she adds dimension to a part that could have been restrictive.

6. Robert Forster, "Karen Sisco.'' ABC. This series is being retooled. Some advice -- don't mess with this character who's the hippest actor on TV.

7. Nick Stahl, "Carnivale." HBO. True, we've been down on the muddled series. But Stahl has been outstanding from the get-go.

8. Larry Gilliard Jr., "The Wire." HBO. Arguably the best supporting actor of the past two seasons. Nuanced beyond belief as D'Angelo Barksdale, he should have toted home an Emmys already.

9. Tina Fey, "Saturday Night Live." NBC. Funny, smart and talented enough to lead this whole show. We like her best when she kills people without blinking.

10. Clarke Peters, "The Wire." HBO. His detective Freamonhas been a stand- out case of understated acting since the first season. Peters illustrates that casting supporting players so well is an art form.

11. Vincent D'Onofrio, "Law & Order: Criminal Intent." NBC. Stop picking lead actors and ruining your premise! Oh, pipe down. It's a list, not a bible. Besides, we plead "ensemble cast" yet again, no matter how feeble. Look, some people think D'Onofrio chews scenery, but from our vantage point, the guy is just ferociously good.

12. John Spencer, "The West Wing." NBC. The new producers can't do enough damage to this show to make us stop watching Spencer. In a series that at least used to rely on rapid-fire dialogue, his long pauses said infinitely more. Also, we like cagey older guys (see Robert Forster, Clarke Peters).

13. James Marsters, "Angel." WB. As "Spike" he was so riveting on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" that they couldn't get rid of him and now the ultimate compliment -- shifting him to Joss Whedon's other series.

14. Bryan Cranston, "Malcolm in the Middle." Fox. Panic as an art form. A show worth watching for many reasons, but he's a good one.

15. Andy Dick, "Less Than Perfect." ABC. Dick is one of those guys you either love or loathe, mostly because he's always on and always tries too hard.

But in this series, he's a real surprise -- like a discarded quarterback who lands on his eighth team and becomes the MVP. Nice comeback.

16. Peter Gallagher, "The O.C." Fox. To be taken seriously this show needed a strong adult character. Gallagher gets an untypical role and makes it the center of the show's universe.

17. Justin Long, "Ed." NBC. This kid has been great from the first moment of this series. It's as if he's channeling Woody Allen and Keanu Reeves, which is just weird enough to watch each week.

18. Victor Garber, "Alias." ABC. The guy went from splashy Broadway roles to the tight-lipped father-spy on this action-packed bit of fun fluff.

19. Adam Brody, "The O.C." Fox. The series lucked out when they found this kid. He's the only one not sure of himself, and his awkward, sweet moments allow the rest of the scenes to get as wild as is necessary on a prime- time soap.

20. Mark-Paul Gosselaar, "NYPD Blue." ABC. Previously stuck in light or cheesy roles that focused on his good looks, he gets to breathe some life into a series that needed it.

21. Jerry Orbach, "Law & Order." NBC. Come on. A classic. Almost too obvious to even list here.

22. Vanessa Lengies, "American Dreams." NBC. While Brittany Snow gets the ink, it's Lengies' sassy star turn that gives the series much of its spunk. She's one of those young actors, like Brody and Long, who immediately catch your eye and make you certain they're going places.

23. Rupert, "Survivor." CBS. Oh, come on. So he's not an actor. He could be. And he's one of the most watchable people on TV. Somebody give him a show.

24. Amber Tamblyn, "Joan of Arcadia." CBS. Yes, she probably should have been higher. But we've raved enough about her lately. Still, great work in a role that could have been disastrous. She's the reason the series is a hit.

25. Tom Lennon, "Reno 911!" Comedy Central. As the short-shorts-wearing cop Jim Dangle, he's just about perfect. Visually funny, sure, but once he opens his mouth, his place here is secured.

26. Golden Brooks, "Girlfriends." UPN. Good enough to make people forget she's fall-on-the-ground hot, which takes some doing. Funny and smart.

27. Anthony Michael Hall, "The Dead Zone." USA. Um, yeah, he's the lead. But not enough people know about him or this show. The transformation he's made from skinny comic is stunning.

28. David McCallum, "Navy NCIS." CBS. A creatively cool role for one of the better character actors working in TV.

29. Chris Noth, John Corbett and Willie Garson, "Sex and the City." HBO. How did a series about four women spawn three great male roles? Mr. Big is Noth's best work, and though Corbett was pure levitating brilliance in the now- canceled "Lucky" from FX, his work here was outstanding. And Garson -- more. Just more.

30. Matthew MacFadyen, "MI-5." A&E. Not enough people got to see this sterling series, but those who did are still reeling about the last episode of season two. MacFadyen's cool understatedness was always pitch-perfect.

31. Rob Morrow, "Street Time." Showtime. Morrow goes a long way toward making this series work and has a cult following. He's also put "Northern Exposure" behind him.

32. Marsha Thomason, "Las Vegas." NBC. It's a glittering cast and Thomason fits right in, but there's something about what she keeps in reserve and how dangerous she seems that sets the hook.

33. Gregory Smith, "Everwood." WB. This list is populated with a shocking number of young actors, but it would be a shame to leave Smith off, if for nothing else because the series revolves around his moods. That's no easy feat to pull off, regardless of age.

34. Martin Freeman, "The Office." BBC America. It's tough to get noticed when Ricky Gervais is so magnificent, but Freeman gives his Tim character real dignity and depth and likeability.

35. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." NBC. Vile, profane, outrageously funny.

Television shows worth making time for

Even in the sleepiest season, it's worth setting your alarm for a few TV appointments.
TV critic Robert Bianco offers up a list of the shows he watches because he wants to, not because he has to.

As any viewer knows, this has hardly been a golden fall for the networks. The new shows aren't making much of an impact, and the most popular returning shows aren't as popular this year as they were last.

Still, if you're looking to be entertained after a hard day's work — and for most viewers, that's the function prime-time TV serves — there are still shows that suit the purpose. They may be less plentiful and harder to find than they were last season, but they're out there if you know where to look.

To simplify the search, I'm offering this night-by-night, hour-by-hour, what-to-watch journal, with one critical caveat attached: This is not a list of what I watch, because as a TV critic I'm duty-bound to keep track of a host of shows I'd never recommend to anyone else. That's how I know not to recommend them.

Instead of a critic's journal, think of this as a quick viewer's guide to the best — or, in some cases, the least terrible — shows the broadcast networks have to offer. (Times are ET/PT, and half-hour periods are separated by slashes; in time slots listing two shows, watch the one in bold and record the second, or catch up in reruns.)

Monday

8:00Yes Dear/Still Standing, CBS

We're only just underway, and we're already compromising. While neither of these CBS family comedies is as terrible as some would have you believe, neither is as strong as anyone might wish. Dear and Standing are inoffensive, mildly amusing ways to pass the time in an hour that offers precious little from which to choose, unless you're a fan of WB's sentimental 7th Heaven or UPN's crass comedies. And if you're a fan of NBC's Fear Factor, well, that's something you might just want to keep to yourself.

9:00 Monday Night Football, ABC /Two and a Half Men,CBS; Las Vegas, NBC

To get to Men, most viewers go through Everybody Loves Raymond, but that's something I'm not willing to do. As far as I can see, the more Emmys that show wins, the less palatable its characters become. (They now boil down to an annoying dweeb, his smug wife, his soul-destroying parents, and his grotesquely stupid brother. What a fun bunch.) My advice: Try out ABC's football game, and then switch to Men, a pleasant comedy made special by the skills of Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer. And now and then, check in on Las Vegas, a glossy pop diversion that would benefit from some pruning of its regular cast.

10:00CSI: Miami, CBS; Monday Night Football, ABC

In its second season, this CSI spinoff has found its own style through cases that reflect Miami's cultural diversity and Caribbean heat. David Caruso has been terrific from Day One (and what a joy it is to have him back on TV and, so far, controversy-free). And each week, the supporting cast grows stronger around him, particularly Emily Procter, who provides a drolly amusing counterpoint to the more intense Caruso.

Tuesday

8:00Gilmore Girls,WB; 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, ABC

What's happened to our Girls? While stars Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel remain as enchanting as ever, their show's string of rambling, virtually plot-free episodes is testing our devotion. (On the other hand, no plot is preferable to plots built around "study trees.") It's enough to send you flying to 8 Simple Rules, which, in its exploration of the family's life after the loss of John Ritter, has become one of TV's more interesting sitcom experiments. I'm not convinced the experiment can work, but it has turned an easily ignored show into one worth tracking.

9:0024,Fox; Frasier, NBC/Less Than Perfect, ABC

Anyone who thought 24 had lost a step this season should have been delighted by last week's shocker, which proved this innovative TV offspring of the Saturday afternoon serials still knows how to pull the rug out from under us. Stay on the clock and tape a resurgent Frasier, which, while not quite the classic it was, has regained its rightful place among TV's elite. (Though I almost hesitate to praise Frasier, for fear it will encourage the apparently growing delusion that there's another year left in the show. End. Please.) At 9:30, set your recorder to switch to Perfect, a fine little show that has gotten a tad off balance. The solution? More Andy Dick and Eric Roberts, less Will Sasso.

10:00NYPD Blue,ABC; Judging Amy, CBS

Having recovered from a near-fatal slump a few seasons back, Blue now churns along as one of TV's most dependable adult dramas. The cases have become a bit harder to solve, and the show has found a fresh dynamic in the partnership between the surprisingly strong Mark-Paul Gosselaar and the always remarkable Dennis Franz. Blue, however, is on hiatus, which gives you a chance to look in on Judging Amy and learn why Tyne Daly deserved that Emmy.

Wednesday

8:00That 70's Show, Fox/It's All Relative, ABC or A Minute with Stan Hooper, Fox

Our first tie. Watch That 70's Show, or nothing, at 8, and then choose between these promising new sitcoms at 8:30. As is common with freshman series, neither show has found the right tone yet: Relative can be too shrill, Hooper too silly. But they have strong casts and unusual settings, and that's enough to set them above an abnormally weak sitcom crop.

9:00Angel,WB; The O.C., Fox

Yeah, I know, most of you aren't going to watch Angel. Which is a shame, because new blood from Buffy and an altered format have made Angel TV's best fantasy. And speaking of fantasies, why do people complain that The O.C. doesn't reflect the "real" Orange County? This buoyant teen romance doesn't even reflect the real Planet Earth; that's its appeal. Certainly, both choices are more appealing than West Wing, a soap opera shell of its former self. The cast is still fabulous, which makes Wing's decline at the hands of its new producers all the more painful: It's like watching a great Thoroughbred being ridden by a spoiled child.

10:00 Nothing

With ABC pulling Karen Sisco until spring (when it will move, one hopes, to a more congenial night), there is now nothing in this slot to watch. And yes, people, that includes Law & Order. If you want TV to become more creative, you need to wean yourselves off at least one of the L&O clones. They'll continue to reproduce until you do.

Thursday

8:00Friends, NBC

True, Friends has been a little flatter this season than one might have hoped or expected. (Why would they throw Phoebe's engagement away as a subplot?) But it is still TV's best sitcom and one of the few that doesn't seem to reek of desperation. In its final season, let that be the lesson to some of its competitors: Don't push so hard. You'll make more friends.

8:30Survivor,CBS; Scrubs, NBC

This season more than ever, you can come into the second half of Survivor and not feel as if you've missed much. Or you can watch Scrubs, NBC's quirkiest sitcom, on those weeks when NBC actually airs it in this time slot.

9:00CSI, CBS; Will & Grace, NBC

This may be the week's toughest choice. If it were standing alone, I'd pick Will & Grace, which has softened its characters without losing its humor. And with so few decent sitcoms these days, it's hard to pass up one of TV's most reliably, outrageously funny options. But it doesn't stand alone, and if you watch Will, you're stranded at 9:30. Which is why so many of us watch CSI instead, a show that created the "forensics procedural" mini-genre while reinvigorating the TV mystery. And it still has a way of wandering into odd corners such as "plushy" sex.

10:00Without a Trace,CBS

It's quite a lineup CBS has on Thursdays. This consistently strong procedural matches CSI for the complexity of its plots. But where CSI stresses eccentricity, Trace stresses emotion. (Sometimes too heavily: They can't keep traumatizing the staff each week.) Even so, the show boasts intricate stories and a first-rate cast led by one of TV's best actors, Anthony LaPaglia. Plus, if you watch Trace, you'll never have to suffer through another "Biggest Episode Ever!" of ER.

Friday

8:00Joan of Arcadia,CBS

Joan talks to God, a twist you either find intriguing or off-putting. If you're willing to go along, you'll discover an unexpectedly smart and complex family drama that gently explores philosophical issues while maintaining an engaging sense of humor. The premise may be a fantasy, but the characters and the problems they face are very real.

9:00Miss Match,NBC

Where Joan has lived up to the promise of its pilot, and perhaps exceeded it, Miss Match has not. Alicia Silverstone is charming (though, apparently, is less of a TV draw than NBC imagined), but everything else about her show just seems sort of weightless.

10:00The Handler,CBS

Here's a show that could benefit from a lighter touch. Still, star Joe Pantoliano is a very good actor, and this is a good role for him. On a Friday night, that can be enough.

Saturday

Most of the networks take Saturday off, and those that don't, should. (Really, CBS. Hack? Come on.) Read a book. Go out to dinner. Give the TV a rest.

Sunday

7:0060 Minutes,CBS; King of the Hill, Fox

Yes, 60 Minutes is still TV's best and most serious newsmagazine, but there are days when watching it feels more like a duty than a pleasure. On those days, switch over to King of the Hill.

8:00Simpsons/Bernie Mac,Fox; Cold Case, CBS

This is another close battle. The Simpsons has become erratic, but it's still the only dependable home for prime-time social satire. And let's face it: No matter how weak an episode may be as a whole, one of the Simpsons will always do something to make you laugh. While you're laughing, however, keep an eye on Cold Case. It went into a slump after its well-regarded pilot, but it's picked up over the past few weeks. Now we just have to see which of those episodes, the good or the bad, represent the real Case.

9:00Alias,ABC;Malcolm in the Middle/Arrested Development, Fox

No show on TV these days is more exhilarating than Alias, or takes more joy in its own goofy implausibilities. Each season, wickedly clever creator J.J. Abrams builds a ridiculously elaborate house of cards and before you can tire of it, he knocks it down and starts all over. Which means in a few weeks we may find out what happened to Sydney during those missing two years, and with any luck we may be rid of Vaughn's drippy wife. The only thing negative I can say is that Alias runs opposite two of TV's more creative sitcoms, Malcolm and Arrested Development. That's why recorders were invented.

10:00Nothing

Really, what can you watch? Until someone comes up with something decent for the slot, you just have to go to bed early and dream of the days when Boomtown ran here. And hope that a day is coming when the bright spots in the network schedule are easier to find.

TIM'S TV LIST
Dramatic list for family viewing
Those who partake of the sin of lists will soon be burdened by confusion, scorn, relentless e-mails and even gentle ridicule.

That's in somebody's bible, no doubt.

But our "List Week'' hootenanny rambles onward and, in a shockingly encouraging way, has spawned enormous amounts of positive reinforcement and gleeful agreement. For the dissenters, two things: One, when you say, "You forgot 'Show X' from your list," the correct answer is almost always, um, no, we didn't. And secondly, it's keen to remember that lists don't kill people -- people kill lists.

Mostly though, the feedback has been incredibly informed, gleefully snarky and stunningly positive. Which can only mean one thing -- you people are watching too much TV.

But in all honestly, if something is unfairly passed over, remember that we're pulling these things out of our backside as fast as possible. Let there be slack.

Having covered the best family sitcoms and duly noted how hard it is to make one of those palatable to anyone with discerning taste, we find that the creative level rises a tad more with family dramas. There's just more emotional room to roam.

The problem here seems to be in making clear what we're talking about (now there's a stunner). For example, some readers were apoplectic that "Reno 911!" wasn't in our list of best sitcoms. Reason -- it's not a sitcom. Which would be a great excuse, except for the fact that we labeled the list "best comedies." It's definitely a comedy and we love it dearly. Sorry about the oversight.

Now that we've established a certain level of haphazard confusion, what about family dramas? Must they be narrowed down, as family comedies were, to series focused on actual families? Or should it be about shows an entire family can watch together?

Solution: A separate list! Brilliant.

In both categories, we tried to avoid too much violence and too much sex. "The Sopranos" is about two families -- and yet, not on the list. Go figure. But that's the rules as we make them.


EIGHT BEST FAMILY DRAMAS
1. "Gilmore Girls." WB. Yes, oddly enough it did pop up on our previous "falling from grace" drama list. And if it is in the midst of a down year, that doesn't diminish the fact that "GG" has, in the past, been far and away the smartest, most assured, funny and moving family drama on television.

Lauren Graham plays the mom as lovingly confused as to the road map of child rearing -- which should make all parents feel better. Her daughter turned out great but the thorny issues with her own parents remain. Modern and complicated, mature and hip, it pulls off the near impossible -- making all three generations interesting.

2. "Joan of Arcadia." CBS. The trick that "Joan" manages so well is luring a young audience to a network (and, by association, a show) that screams, "My parents watch that." But the dynamics here are sound. Two parents with their own issues to sort out, three kids with varying degrees of pressing age-appropriate problems (not to mention that one talks to God regularly). All told, something for everyone, the point of this list.

3. "American Dreams." NBC. Maybe too obviously PC for some people as it tracks the hot-button issues of one seemingly close-knit but internally fractious family through turbulent decades. But the history lessons here are as entertaining as the more straightforward family-familiar plotlines. Nobody said using a family as a metaphor for post-Kennedy America was going to be easy. It's a big task and despite low ratings, fans are passionate for this series.

4. "Everwood." WB. OK, so the dead mom conceit is overused, but Treat Williams as a formerly too-busy-for-his-family neurosurgeon is great, as is Gregory Smith as his moody son -- typical of the WB's ability to mesh adults and teens successfully. The series can at times fall into a bag of saccharine, but it's a hit among the youth demographic while still remaining compelling for adults. A lot of readers have said this series has launched discussions in their homes; given the closed-mouth nature of most teens, that's really saying something.

5. "Smallville." WB. It's the Superman saga updated and given the WB sheen, but it's also a home run with the target audience. Like any series based on a superhero, there are dramatic flights of fancy that you just have to go with -- this ain't gritty reality. But more often than not the storytelling is solid and the outcome entertaining. Part of the parental responsibility, of course, is actually sitting down and doing the watching. You could do a whole lot worse than this, no question.

6. "Judging Amy." CBS. It's been around awhile, it's no longer fresh, possibly never hip and is often lost among each season's new crop. But this is still a fine family show, and Tyne Daly is about as real as you can get when it comes to characterization. Plus, it's Amy Brenneman, for God's sake. Wait, is it wrong to lovingly gaze at another TV wife/mom? This is so confusing. Anyway, maybe not your first choice but a solid show.

7. "The O.C." Fox. Granted, not for the really young. You'd hate to have to constantly explain the sexual urges, or more dangerously, the bitchiness and money lust. But still, this season's surprise hit pairs teen interest with parental interest. The acting is solid on both levels (Peter Gallagher and Adam Brody in particular) and there's enough soapy theatrics to keep everyone glued for their own specific reason. Hey, not every family show has to be "7th Heaven."

8. "7th Heaven." WB. Have you noticed a trend here? Yes, congratulations to the WB for landing four of eight shows on this list. "7th Heaven" was essentially the one that woke up the WB to an interesting fact -- while young teen girls were always the target and hipness was always the hook, staid,

faintly religious "7th Heaven" became the real hit. Family shows, it turned out, weren't such a bad idea. You could still get the youth by going through the parents. Lots of practice is probably why there are so many series here --

deservedly. It must be said, however, that "7th Heaven" has pretty much covered every family storyline imaginable and is getting long in the tooth.

What's interesting to network observers is that the WB's biggest competitor in targeting the family -- ABC -- has essentially opted out of this genre in favor of grittier, more adult fare like "NYPD Blue," "Alias," "Karen Sisco" and "The Matrix."

Too bad, really. While there are restrictions on where you can ultimately go with the content of these shows, there's something to be said about the shared experience of watching TV together.

Without the constraints of actually having to have a parental unit and the obligatory 2.5 snappers in the cast, we can branch out. Here, then, the eight dramas the whole family can watch -- meaning they don't necessarily have an overabundance of bullets 'n' porn moments.

Of course, that's subjective. One family may think "24" is acceptable, while another might find "Malcolm in the Middle" too much of a harrowing documentary to let into the home. This makes the weeding-out process particularly difficult because it virtually erases every crime-and-punishment series on TV, and if you've been paying attention, you know there are a lot of those. We have also slipped on the "good taste" filter so, sorry, "Dateline" and "The Bachelor" are not eligible.

Also, we are excluding stuff like the Animal Planet channel and Nickelodeon and all the other good and/or safe stuff mentioned in past lists because, well, the fine print did say "dramas." Pay attention.

As always, remember that when things get dicey ("Who knew there was a nude scene in "Miss Match?"), the remote does have that little button that makes Mr. TV go to sleepy.

1. "Monk." USA. It's everybody's favorite quirky cop show. And, technically, yes, there are dead bodies here. But it's never gruesome -- it's more of the "Murder, She Wrote" variety. A whodunit is always fun for families, and Tony Shalhoub is wonderful in the title role.

2. "Alias." ABC. Might be a bit too violent for some families but -- and this is in no way an excuse -- it seems pretty obvious that it's mostly cartoonish and not realistic. Decide among yourselves. On the plus side, it's a thriller that doesn't take itself too seriously, and there are positive female role models here (from the Girls Rule school of beatdowns). And there's eye candy galore. Now, to be fair, although there are many good-looking men on this series, it's Jennifer Garner who pumps the blood here.

She is, in fact, about 90 percent of the reason to watch, though some husbands and partners might spin that differently if they are at all savvy.

3. "Miss Match." NBC. Aw. Ain't that cute. Matchmaking. True love, or the pursuit of it. Kind of light, more than a little sweet and, if you don't get a cavity in the process, not too damaging to your health. Alicia Silverstone: She's like the Valerie Cuteasabuttonelli of the modern age.

And, watching this, maybe your kids will learn something about relationships outside of one of those parentally frightening MTV spring-break specials or hot-tub moments from "The Real World."

Just a pause here to say, you know, this is harder than it looks.

OK, onward.

4. "The Wonderful World of Disney." ABC. A staple, sure. And boy, is there a lot of cheese in that Matterhorn of corporate mythmaking, but overall it's pretty safe. You're wondering: Is Disney still killing off one or both of the parents in everything it makes? Well, yes, but not in this franchise. They generally save that for big movies.

5. "The West Wing." NBC. Well, lookee here. Our new favorite whipping boy,

making a "best" list. Why not? It has no sex and almost no violence. It's just politics and governmental relationships. There's worse stuff to watch than wonkmanship. Of course, your young one might blurt out, "Mom, I think John Wells has really killed this thing."

6. "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race." CBS. True, just the other day we said, "Ties are stupid." But reality shows are prevalent, most of them are horrible and offensive, and we will not have "Fear Factor" going on our list, no matter how many parents say they watch it with their kids. This is the same logic that says preteen girls shouldn't have slogans like "Juicy" on their butts -- but we digress. No "Big Brother" on our watch. Or dating shows, either. Listen, both of these reality series are eminently watchable and don't provide much reason to raise red flags. A lot can be taught about sportsmanship, camaraderie, trust (or lack thereof), hard work and never quitting. Yes, there's also something in there about backstabbing and running around the globe like an ugly American, but you can wave that off as "just TV."

7. "Ed." NBC. Flippant and fun if not entirely satisfying of late. There's a little bit of sex play at times, but mostly this is just a series full of whimsy and simple entertainment. "Ed" may not have delivered on its promise, but it's still a fine alternative for family fare.

8. "Jake 2.0." UPN. Oh ... my ... Lord. Yes, a positive mention of a UPN series! Well, you could also throw in "Enterprise," unless you were obligated to retell the entire back story, which may not ultimately seem worth it. "Jake" has teen appeal and enough goofy action and comedy to make it tolerable.

Also, it has those elements of sci-fi that seem to suck everyone in. Whoops, couldn't go a whole mention of a UPN series without the word "suck" appearing. Sorry.

Now, granted, there will be others that could have made this list. But with our sex-and-violence filters on, probably not much in the way of drama slipped past. And if all of this seems too doughy for your adult needs, there are still 10 p.m. shows.

And pay cable.

TV’s sexiest spy guy Michael Vartan also made the list. He says, "It is amazing how much better looking I got since I got on ‘Alias.’"

Depp sexiest man alive

Nov 21, 2003


People magazine has named Johnny Depp the "Sexiest Man Alive 2003", saying the actor, known for his "brooding eccentricities", has mellowed since becoming a father.

Depp, star of this year's Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, has two young children with his girlfriend, French actress and pop singer Vanessa Paradis.

"Because he arrived at his new, happy place without selling out, without becoming slick or packaged or politically correct, he is a hero to his fans and an idol to his young costars," People says in its December 1 issue.

The 40-year-old actor is known for hiding under layers of hats and blankets in his private life and behind oddball characters in his films, the magazine says.

"But he is finally coming to terms with his own charisma."

Depp also has starred in Edward Scissorhands, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Sleepy Hollow and Chocolat. His upcoming movies include JM Barrie's Neverland.

Rounding out the Top 10: Brad Pitt, Ashton Kutcher, George Clooney, Lenny Kravitz, Justin Timberlake, Hugh Grant, Russell Crowe, Hugh Jackman, Denzel Washington and Colin Farrell.

Aditi Chengappa made a smart observation. The thing that the oracle said at the end to the Architect, is probably precisely in order to confuse us and make us do what we're doing, desperately trying to figure out it's significance. But she loved the movie. I can't love a movie without closure. I didn't think the ending was closure at all.

And I just watched Tuck Everlasting. It's pretty good, the ending's really sad. But Victor Garber was really weird. I think I can't see him in any fatherly roles, because his face is still so blank and it's super-weird. When he hugged Winnie, I was just like "Jack Bristow's hugging Rory. HUH." And it was HIM running to her and hugging his little daughter, and she was not really hugging back. And then there was a funeral for the grandmother, and his lip was quivering! I was laughing away. Because. Jack Bristow with a quivering lip, for his mother-in-law. Hahahaha. I think I've reached the point of obsessiveness and fallen over into the abyss. Amy Irving is really pretty, but for a while I didn't realise who she was. She looks different, her face is sort of thinner and her hair's much longer and not curly.

Anyway, I've got three more DVDs that Minty brought me to tide over the boredom. And she's sending me the gg season 4 stuff over msn, because her burner isn't working. MSN Messenger, the new file-sharing device. The RIAA better not find out, or we might lose our instant messengers all in one fell swoop of The Man's hand. I shouldn't be saying this so loud.

Kiran Aunty just, rather inexplicably, smsed both me and my mom. I'm still wondering where she got my number. But anyway, we've got tickets to the Bollywood Night gig. I suppose I might as well get excited, because I've been busy or in the middle of exams every time one of these shows has come to town. It's quite funny, really. I told my mom a long time ago, that we should go for this thing, just for fun. And then it turns out that a whole bunch of us have good tickets and are gonna go. Should be fun. Seeing Shah Rukh atleast. Although I have a feeling I might just be cringing through the night at the weird dancing and the midriff-baring tops when the midriffs are really not worth baring. Actually I KNOW it will be fun. 101 bucks for a night of mocking. Always good.

If My Life Were a TV show...

That ’70s Show would be on every night! Just like Donna and the rest of the gang, you and your friends really know how to have a good time. You guys should have your own laugh track. No matter what little earth-shattering dramas you and your friends encounter, you always seem to end up back in the basement laughing and hanging out together. Even getting grounded for denting your dad’s car couldn’t put a ding in the crew’s good times. Keep ’em rolling, hippie chick!

And I figured out that one of the possible results would be Buffy, so I manipulated:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer would be your nickname and Sunnydale would be the seemingly boring suburb you’d call home. You’re not scared, are you? Of course not. If anyone could devote her life to freeing the world of demons, ghouls, and the undead, it’s you. You’re a little on the dark side and you’re tough as nails, but the bottom line — you kick major butt. No wonder all your friends look up to you. Then again, they could all just be too scared of catching a smackdown. Either way, you rule!

Rufus Wainwright's first cd, as expected, is very raw compared to the other two. Mainly piano, none of the fancy backing of the rest. But it's good. It's different, it sort of needs to grow on me but it's good. Heh. I now have a complete Rufus collection. Well atleast I've acquired two cds on my very long list. One of which I never thought I'd find in Singapore, because despite other Sundays cds being available at various stores, none has ever had reading, writing and arithmetic. I am going to go to sleep now.

This quiz.

I'm Jennifer Garner!

Jennifer Garner
Stiletto heels? You're not against 'em, but it's kind of hard to kick someone's butt when you're wearing them. Now, unlike Jennifer Garner's character on the show Alias, you may not need to earn your allowance as an agent for the CIA in your day-to-day life, but you DO like to stay comfortable. As does Jennifer. No doubt about it, you can get dolled up as pretty as anyone, but you'd rather stay sporty. No restricted motion. Plus, you're pretty enough to pull it off!

It's called liberation. But for some reason I just feel sort of empty. It's very weird. After history the entire express started squealing, but I just felt pissed off at the eruptionness of it all. The guy just told us we could go, and everybody just yelled. It was annoying.

I think I'm turning into an irritable, cynical adult. Matrix Revolutions was really stupid. The ending was just a what the hell. What just happened thing. And then over the credits they have a warped version of a Sanskrit chant, and Hindustani music and it's all rather.. incongruous. The only Indian thing in the movie was the Indian family.. Sati and Ramachandra (which he, despite his pronounced Indian accent, pronounced as RamaKandra. And Kamaala.) I have decided, despite really liking the first two movies, that the entire thing was just rather poseur. Trying to be deep, but it actually really didn't make a lot of sense. The ending is horrible. The love scenes. Ouch.

I just thought her article essentially was rather empty, and it really wasn't as sensational as all the blurbs in the previous newspapers made it out to be. It was just very wishy-washy. She didn't really make any conclusions by the end of it, and she invalidated just about everything she said, by informing us that perhaps her perspective is stuck in the 80s. She starts off by saying she wouldn't put her daughter in RGS, when she doesn't even have a daughter to speak of, and then she decides that the point is not to base a decision on academics. And it turns out her current introspection about this is because of her nephew, a BOY, which really has nothing to do with rgs. With practically every paragraph, she adds a sort of disclaimer like she's trying not to have RGS girls bawling for her blood. Which I guess is a valid attempt, because right not there are organised endeavours to do just that.

The title is rather telling. Laments of a girl from RGS? It seems like she's trying to tell us that RGS is really overrated, that in fact her experience was a bad one. She says that her RGS friends turned out to be wholesome, productive citizens. Isn't that the point? If they're wholesome then they're well-rounded and have good qualities besides intelligence haven’t they? That may just be a nitpick over her choice of words, but the article overall manages to reflect that she doesn't realy know what she's talking about.

I actually don't see what the hell she's trying to say with her article. She says that the ex-RGS girls have a deep-seated urge to achieve, and be competitive, but why is that a bad thing? Besides the mere one-line reference to intellectual snobbery, that we judge people by their intelligence. Besides looks, intellect is really the next thing you judge about a person isn't it? Judging emotional quotient or whatever else takes time and is harder is evaluate, and in fact people from other schools do often end up judging people more shallowly, by the way they look. So I don’t see the problem with judging somebody by intelligence, as long as we don’t look down on others for having it in a lesser quantity. What I do think is that we’re less patient with people who don’t understand things as quickly as we do, which is something Daph was talking about the other day. She said that she’s afraid that people at Concord will be thick, and that they won’t get any of her jokes. I think maybe a point she should have made is that some sort of intellectual elite is formed, but this isn’t so much the fault of the RGS girls as the fault of system which segregates students based almost purely on exam results.

It feels like her whole going on about the feminity of MGS girls and their marriageability was a pretty big point that she wanted to bring up, and that's kinda sad because that's hardly a modern concern. Stuck in the past, again, and then she says that SCGS girls anyway tell her that the family background is important too. It's just a stupid thing to bring up, in my opinion. And if she wants her daughters to be stable and fully developed individuals, then she should worry more about who they become and not who ends up wanting to marry them. We apparently judge people by their intellect, yet she seems to want to judge by marriageability, and it's hypocritical that she's writing this article while at the same time judging OUR intellect.

At the beginning, when I saw all the sensational lead-ins in the previous papers, I was all set to write in. But when I read the article on Sunday, I thought it was disappointingly empty and didn't really merit a response at all. But it's great that people are writing in, if only to point out that we not only disagree with her but also that her arguments are terribly flawed. Though pointing everything is also a sign perhaps of our intellectual snobbery or something.

Bored. Blogging is fun. It's like talking to myself, only a little less insane. Although I can't say much for my sanity, considering that when I'm studying I'm constantly talking to myself and singing and making weird noises. Yesterday my mom was concerned; she asked me how I'm possibly going to study in university if I need to make weird noises all the time. Roomates/people in the library are certainly not going to be as tolerant or understanding as people at home.

My mother's strange. My brother, like everyone who goes to India, has fallen ill with diarrhoea and vomiting. And my mom's all flustered and was asking him if he wants her to go there and be with him. I was telling her that she worries wayy too much. I get an upset stomach almost every year in India. It's rather normal. Anyway my grandparents took him to the doctor, and he's fine now. My mother going to India now could jeopardise the trip to Delhi, if she decides to stay on and just has me go alone to Bangalore. Although I don't know how that would work either, because my dad's not gonna be in town so there wouldn't be anybody to take me to the airport and anyway I've never travelled alone. and our tickets are booked for Delhi and all the flights seem to be full, and. Whatever. My brother's fine. All is well in the world.

I slept for three hours this afternoon. I'm so pleased with myself.

Blogger is being especially annoying today. My last post just completely vanished.

Anyway. Matt has the same idea as me! And the flack that an Irina recast actress would get, was one of my huge concerns. I know I would certainly be analysing and criticising her every move, and whining that she's not as good as Lena. Because, damnit, that woman may be a bitch over the contracts and a damn bizarre actress in most other matters, but she was brilliant as Irina. I can't imagine anyone else in the role. But, hell, maybe JJ'll pull another miracle out of his casting hat, huh? Just please not the same hat that produced Melissa George and the OmniAccent, please.

Question:
With regard to Alias and the very obvious absence of Lena Olin, do you think it would be wise to recast the part? I think the family dynamic that dominated much of the second season was some of the most compelling television that I've ever seen. I miss Olin, but I miss the character of Irina Derevko so much that I might be willing to see another actress in the role if Lena's decision not to return is final. I could maybe see Lindsay Frost in that role because I really think she could muster up some menace, although she could never be as good as the original. — Dannie

Matt:
I pity any actress who tries to take over for Lena Olin. If Melissa George thinks she has it rough as the interloper Mrs. Vaughn, just wait. That said, this is an intriguing notion, and given the existence of an evil Francie double, I suppose they could easily explain that Irina has altered her appearance for her own protection. The dilemma here is to balance the negative reaction a new actress is going to get against the positives of reintroducing the character into a story that could really use her. I'd be willing to go with this, but the risks are plentiful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Question:
I am a huge fan of Alias, and have always enjoyed the show, but am I the only one who thinks the fight scenes have been getting a little implausible? I am all for suspending belief — especially when it is for Jennifer Garner — but a little less sword-wielding please. Also, Victor Garber does a fantastic job with Jack Bristow. You noted in an earlier column that he was whipped for typing "I miss you" to Irina Derevko — I would urge you to remember that we have also "lost" two years. Who knows what has happened between them since we last saw them interact? Isn't it possible that in those two years, Jack has come to terms with her deception and to respect her as a peer? I can't wait until she returns to the cast. — Brian O.

Matt:
If she returns to the cast, that is. Which doesn't appear likely right now, at least not with Lena Olin. As for calling Jack "whipped" — apparently that word was used by one of my colleagues who contributes to our Watercooler columns. Myself, I pretty much agree with your assessment of their relationship. There is a mutual dependence as well as a residual emotional connection between these characters but also an understandable mistrust (as there is between so many on this show). There is lots more story to tell about these people, which is why I think it's imperative for Irina to return to the world of Alias in some form or other. As for the fight scenes: I live for them, the more outlandish the better. The show is fantasy, and part of the fantasy is Sydney's superheroic gifts when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. Talk about getting whipped.

Sacramento, CA: I know you must be as broken-hearted as I am that Lena Olin isn't returning to "Alias" as Irina Derevko. I wanted to know: What do you think the show should do? Recast Irina Derevko, kill her off, or keep referring to her as they have this year (with IMs and mentions) in the hopes Olin will someday change her mind? Although I adored Olin in the role, I have begun to wonder if a recast might not be the best option; if Irina plays a big part in the long-time story arc, then maybe it's worth the risk. (Also, instant messaging is fun once, but I think it could get gimmicky. Irina isn't Carlton the Doorman!) It's such a great part; maybe other great actresses are available. But -- such a risk! With the wrong person, the magic's gone. What do you hope J. J. Abrams will do? What do you THINK will happen?

Robert Bianco: I think the character will stay off stage until Olin decides to return. They wrote her into the plot; they can write her out without much difficulty. But recasting - that's the one risk they dare not take.

I found a different version of Prelude that downloaded in about five hours! And I just watched it. It is a brilliant episode. Only thing is, there was a huge opportunity for Irina to be in, which of course is impossible because Lena Olin wants to be more diva-esque than most divas. Little wonder that she doesn't think J Lo's a diva.

And GAH. They've started the rerun weeks now. So the next episode of Alias isn't for another week. Anyway hopefully then I can also find a fast version to download. Amazingly enough, this version is a smaller size and it only downloads from one person, yet it downloaded consistently and fast and the resolution is better than the regular version that I download. Only problem is, there were two bits when it got a little futzed. But thankfully they were just for a second, though one of them blanked out on Vaughn's face ^_^

The beginning of Prelude is SCARY SHIT. I was whimpering.

Sydney's having a nightmare that she wakes up in a hospital, on an operating table. And she's all alone and the door's locked. Then she's just dazedly standing there when she looks down and sees a huge bloodstain on her white hospital gown-thing, right over her stomach scar. And she lifts up her gown, and sees that the scar is open and bleeding. And for some reason she puts her hand into the scar, and pulls out a tube. And the tube just keeps coming and coming and coming. Along with LOTS of blood which splashes everywhere. And she just keeps pulling the tube out but it never stops, and there's a huge growing pile of bloody tubing at her feet. And blood everywhere. And she's crying and I'm half covering my face because of the blood. And then she wakes up.

That was one hell of a scary dream.

I had a dream that Irina, in order to hide from the CIA, had her face surgically altered. I think this was fed by my subconscious hate for the idea of a recast. Yet it does, in its own very sad way, facilitate a recast. But how very un-Irinaesque. She'd never give in like that. I bet she likes her own face.

Heh. The Nazi Party had a member called Klaus Barbie.

And SD has another meaning, besides Section Disparu. The Nazi intelligence and security body in 1931 was the SD (Sicherheitsdienst) Secret Service. Apparently it was distinct from the SA and the Schutzstaffel, and it had a part to play in the Night of the Long Knives although I can't figure out what part because I always thought that was the SS but Spartacus said. I wonder if JJ knew this.

Ernst Rohm was arrested in a place called Wiesse.

I think I'm just going mad. It's late and I have hardly finished all the studying I was supposed to do today.

Actually I think SD was the security section of the Schutzstaffel.

MOM'S AWAY: Alias villainess Lena Olin seems to be taking her role as Jennifer Garner's absentee mom, Irina Derevko, a little too literally. As reported in the new issue of TV Guide magazine, the actress nixed a deal to return this season despite the fact that, as a source close to the negotiations puts it, "every single one of her demands were met by ABC and the producers." Among her initial requests: "Sharon Stone-type money," says an insider, referring to the unprecedented $100,000-per-episode salary the Basic Instinct star reportedly pulled in for her recent Practice stint. ABC declined to comment, as did Olin's camp, but Alias exec producer J.J. Abrams is holding out hope that Olin will be back. "[Irina] remains a critical piece of the puzzle." Albeit an expensive one. For more "TV News" scoop — including exclusive dish on Las Vegas and Malcolm in the Middle — pick up the new issue of TV Guide, on sale Monday.

What's he holding out hope for? It's pretty obvious that she isn't going to bite, after three failed attempts, right?

Why aren't my posts getting published.

ETA - Finally. Just a second ago there was nothing after the post about Chem. Blogger is terribly temperamental.

I just realised another reason why EM Forster has to have some kind of prescience. Almost all the communist countries were controlled by Central Committees. The Central Committee of the Machine, anyone? It's a little stupid but how'd he manage to write something which so closely manages to predict both the internet AND the communist regime, way back in 1909?

And the sixth episode of Alias has Sloane on the phone, chatting with Kofi Annan, calling him "Mr Secretary" and giving his regards to Nane. I find just just a little bit more than amusing. And Sydney's suit is really nice in that scene. Gorgeous long coat. I want. Along with the suede boots. One thing for fame - her wardrobe's gone glam.

Just woke up an hour ago. Am still surprised that telling my dad that I studied till 1 am made him let me sleep till 1130. It was actually my maid who finally woke me up because she was sick of waiting for me to wake up before making my breakfast.

The RGS article was actually rather disappointing. Just a tiny, stupid thing in the corner. And it wasn't really inflammatory or anything, it was just obselete and uninformed. And she admitted that her views were based on the RGS of the 1980s. The skirt thing was rather funny. 1 inch short and "wild". Basically, she needs a crash course in the present tense. I frankly think that writing in about that article is just rather sad because it doesn't merit any sort of response, and she even predicted RGS girls bawling for her blood.

Minty and I are plotting to get one of our moms to take us for Kill Bill. My mom almost agreed, until she heard Tarantino and violence in the same sentence. Stupid me. Minty is going to try to tell her mom that Aparna reallllllly wants to go for a movie with Kiran Aunty, and that we haven't yet decided what to see. And at the cinema we'll choose Kill Bill. Or maybe she'll think of something smarter. I am leaving it up to her. Otherwise there's always pirated dvds.

Chem is also horrible when you get right down to it. Thankfully it seems that I know most of the stuff, and thankfully chem is mostly application. Have fully done organic chem. Yay. I still need to memorise stuff: manufacturing processes, atmosphere and enviroment, qa nonsense. And I should go through electrolysis again because I keep forgetting how it works.

Which means I should go now. Damnit I can't wait for these stupid Os to be over. 'O'ver. hehehhe. right.

And I realised just now that history is in the fucking afternoon. Meaning less time to celebrate afterwards, unless I plan on staying out till midnight. Although if I end up leaving stuff till the last minute as usual, having morning study time will be a good thing. I think Revolutions and Rhapsody is gonna have to be it. Holland V's fun. Maybe we can stay over at someone's place. I can offer mine, I think. The added advantage of brother being in another country. Though Daph has a den with a huge screen and hopefully the blackout thingy, and we can watch Ninth Gate again. Something which might be less possible in my house, because on Monday or Tuesday or whatever when I wanted to tape, my mother asked me what I wanted to tape, and I told her the title and she asked what it was about. I told her it was about a book that is used to conjure up the devil. And it has Johnny Depp!!!! and Lena Olin!!! in it. Yet she said that I do not need to watch such crap. And I told her that I'd already watched it and she said all the more. I said that didn't make sense and she told me to go study.

Poor Shirin. Le Divorce! :)

Shit now my peerguardian says "disney channel split for abc and espn". So abc is pursuing me? I don't like this at all. But I don't wanna wait for Alias dammit. Maybe I should make friends with krisnreine and have her mail me the episodes like she does for her scandinavian friend.

Here by my side, an angel
Here by my side, the devil
Never turn your back on me
Never turn your back on me, again
Here by my side, it's Heaven

Here by my side, you are destruction
Here by my side, a new colour to paint the world
Never turn your back on it
Never turn your back on it, again
Here by my side, it's Heaven

Careful, be careful
Careful, be careful
This is where the world drops off
Where the world drops off
Careful, be careful
You breathe in and you breathe out
For it ain't so weird
How it makes you a weapon
And you give in
And you give out
For it ain't so weird
How it makes you a weapon
Never turn your back on it
Never turn your back on it again

Careful, be careful

Here by my side, it's Heaven

Weapon - Matthew Good

Whatever. Just had pizza leftovers after my three-hour "nap". I feel like a sedentary animal. And I'm still hungry. Well it was only one piece of pizzaa.

Anyway, physics is over for the rest of my life. Let us rejoice. Right now I'm gonna find all the physics stuff and shove it under my bed like I've been doing with all the subjects that are getting over. After exams, when I find the motivation to sort it all out, the sciences stuff goes straight out. I will keep the humanities stuff, because I can't bear to throw out all the Lit notes that I never read, and history and SS notes will be useful in JC. Math, I don't know. Not much in the way of notes, but lotsa books. Hm.

shit physics: big mistake. stupid lens diagram.

Not only did I not bother with the magnification bullshit, I also forgot to draw the arrows. Damnit.
And my last question is very screwed up, and apparently the logic gate thing for the resistor R1 being higher, means that a lower light level is required for A to have lower potential. WHY? I thought my explanation made sense. Shitshitshit.

Ok google helped me figure out that the cache is the TIF folder. So I cleared that. And I cleared all the cookies. However I don't think the problem is that I have a lack of hard drive space, because my stupid computer is overflowing with empty hard drive. Damnit.

Perhaps I should go do physics instead of muttering to myself here.

Apparently ff.net is not working only on my browser. And I have a suggestion that I clear my cache and try again. I have no idea what a cache is. Somebody help me.

PHYSIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCS. painintheass.

Ugh. I feel fat. Too much pizza and now I'm absolutely bloated and feeling disgusted with myself.
And I think I may become bald soon. I have very little hair, and every time I shampoo it drops like hell. Not good. Damnit.

Hello, my happy friend. You have high spirits and
know how to have a good time. When your friends
go out, most likely they invite you almost all
the time. You most likely will enjoy your
Halloween. Good for you. Keep up the
experiment. You probably light people's dark
days with your smiles and laughter. Although
you're good, doesn't mean you're an angel. You
can tend to have a scary and/or other type of
side to you. As long as you have fun, do your
scares this Halloween. Have a safe and happy
one, Joyous Pumpkin.


What Halloween Figure Are You? (Fun Quiz! MANY RESULTS!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your serial killer name would be Diablo! You would
be a mastermind in what you do. You would come
up with perfect plans on how to do your bad
stuff, and send out your minions to do it for
you. That would prevent you from getting
caught, because for one reason, they would not
rat you out. Your real name might not be known
and you would be greatly wanted, because as
long as you're out on the hidden streets, there
will still be danger! You're the big guy/girl!


What Would Your Serial Killer Name Be? What Would the Public Know You As?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yes, you will always be remembered for your good
ways. You seem to be close and caring around
your family and other people you really know.
You will be a major loss for them. There will
be an empty spot once you are gone. It may
sound morbid to you, but it could also be good.
Keep on with your great ways. You will have a
beautiful funeral.


What Type of Funeral Will You Have? Will You Be Missed Once You're Gone?
brought to you by Quizilla

You seem like you won't even get drunk as much. You
drink moderately and most likely on special
occasions. If you feel yourself getting over
the limit, you would try to control yourself.
And if you were a bit tipsy, most likely you
would get some rest. You're a person who can
control your actions and are very responsible.
You are careful in what you do and like to
avoid trouble. That's good for you. More people
need to think like you do =)


If You Were to Get Drunk, What Kind of Drunk Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

Uh-oh. Watch as the fierce animals come to you,
waiting to sink their teeth into your flesh.
You would have been fed to wild beasts with
your rebellious nature. Just be glad that
you're not there now, unless you enjoy being
chowed down by bits.


How Would You Have Been Executed Back in the Day?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ouch.

Daphne has killed her blog. Aberforth is dead, deleted forever from the annals of the internet. I offer this blog to be the last shrine of aberforth. You may leave loving tributes.

Another link for Chit's benefit, although others might also be interested because it's completely hilarious and doesn't require prior knowledge of Alias: Marshall asks for Vaughn's advice on a marriage proposal. It had me in fits.

Another clip. This is Vaughn and Jack. Very pissed, very HOT Vaughn. And I love all the throwbacks to season 1. It's like spot-the-season-one-reference-day in my head.

Renewed love for Vaughn: beautifulbeautifulbeautiful. Tearworthy. That is an incredible man.

"I'm not gonna lose you again". SWUD.

I was just thinking about my lit paper. I think my paper one was pretty good, I'm actually rather proud of my pdd essay, as usual because of the man in the bowler hat. but in retrospect my paper two was really unfantastic. my tms essay, first of all it seems that everyone did tms, and secondly i didn't do a very good essay at all. there was no clear organisation, and i didn't have a lot of quotes and details from the text, and i think it was just a repititive, disorganised mishmosh of thoughts. and the lumber room bit, i don't completely remember what i wrote, but hopefully it was a lot better than the tms essay. i was wavering between tms and ooc for the essay, and decided on tms because it seemed more logical that it would be important for us in the 21st century and shit, but i guess the fact that i hate writing about that story and therefore didn't really study it very well, ended up in the essay being shit. i should have done ooc, it's much nicer and it would have been more different from everybody else.

Christ. Check this out. Who the hell is the government to rule how consenting adults want to have sex. Unnatural offences indeed. How is oral/anal/homosexual sex detrimental to society, I am terribly curious.

Heh. New Sweiss fic, by a usually-Sarkney writer: Consolation Prize. It's actually not very Sweiss in terms of what happens, but I guess basically the undertones are there. Whatever. It's sweet.

Chit did you know that Victor Garber's a juvenile diabetic? I didn't, just found out because he's doing the JDRF thing.

I am fucking bored. In between tamil exams, my dad picked me up so I'm at home, lunch isn't ready yet, my mom won't let me watch tv now, and I don't feel like doing anything else.

I need to get off my ass. I really need to go run or something. Maybe this evening. If it doesn't rain again.

my last post was also whining about ennui. that is not good. and alias does actually excite me, but the download's not downloading right now. And the disney channel is seriously not giving up. what the fuck is up with that?

just watched vartan's jimmy kimmel appearance. i have tremendous respect for vartan's self-control now. seriously. jimmy kimmel is a FREAK. first he's all stalker-like with jennifer garner, then michael vartan for some strange reason agrees to go on the show, and all jimmy can talk about is jennifer and how he hates michael vartan for being her boyfriend, and tries to ask varty if he's got any dangerous hobbies, and tells him he should try slitting his wrists and swimming with sharks (it's real fun). he is so not funny. and of course he showed his stupid licking-jennifer's-face video, where he greenscreened himself onto a scene where sydney's kissing vaughn. and licked her face, basically. it is the sickest video ever. i am amazed that vartan didn't kick his ass solidly. i'm amazed that jennifer garner didn't. if she was sydney..

oh but one thing about the jimmy kimmel, they showed an AMAZING clip off prelude. it's vaughn and lauren, after lauren finds out that vaughn was helping keep sydney's secret about killing lazarey. and vaughn apparently derailed lauren's investigation of that, which must mean that not only did he keep the secret like he was told to by director dixon, and can't be blamed by lauren for, he must've thrown her off the track on something somehow. interesting. and she's screaming at him for protecting sydney from HER, and he's trying to convince her that sydney remembers nothing, and then she whispers, "do you still love her?" and vaughn has his best performance so far this season, when he kinda blows up and goes "oh damnit that's not what this is about!". he is so. fucking. hot. and the scene, HEH, looks exactly like one of those earlier warehouse scenes when sydney and vaughn would argue about missions or whatever. like, sort of shadowy and just close-ups on their faces while they're talking.

other news: sony and bmg are merging, so that basically they own a quarter of the recording business. the Man is going nuts being the Man.

i have ennui. help. i don't wanna study, and i don't really wanna do anything else. the computer even is boring me, and i don't even feel like waiting for alias to download, because it doesn't excite me. now we KNOW something is terribly wrong.

what's your battle cry? |
mewing.net | merchandise!



what-freaking-ever.

do YOU smell?

mewing.net. a wide field of wild daisies.

take the virgin-whore dichotomy quiz.


and go to mewing.net. where we're all studs.

A Mathematician, Physicist and Biologist were having a meal together.
Through the window, they could see two people entering a white house.
Later, three people left the house.

Said the physicist "Oh no! Our initial count was wrong!"

The biologist concluded,"they must have reproduced!"

The mathematician calmly said," Now if one person enters the house, it'll
be empty again."

How You React to Anger

ARIES March 21 - April 20
Nothing seems to ruffle you more than a lack of
discipline,disloyalty and decorum. But Arians are
also known to go into a rage very easily when
challenged. Those of you who have been on the receiving end of
the Aries temper know that if not calmed down they can
even get violent. But one thing is certain - if
the opponent remains calm and does not react to their
outburst, Arians cool down very fast. They are
also the first to apologise, which makes them easier to
forgive.


TAURUS April 21 - May 20
You are generally quiet and have control over your
emotions. It is difficult to predict what will
upset you, so when you do lose your cool, people don't
know how to react. Your temper is like that of a raging
bull,and anyone trying to pacify you will be the
first one to get a verbal bashing. You generally get
upset when you are cornered or when people accuse you of
doing something wrong. You also hate being
reminded about mistakes you've made in the past. You also
have the potential to be terribly vindictive if rubbed
the wrong way.


GEMINI May 21 - June 20
You are recognised by your cheerful disposition
and your jovial nature is not easily susceptible to
anger. In fact, you are the best person to have around
when there is an ugly scene at a party - you can bring
the warring factions together quite diplomatically..
But when you lose your cool, you yell and scream and
will not listen to reason. You must have the last word
in a wordy duel. Your capacity to argue aggressively is
matched only by your seductive charm.


CANCER June 21 - July 21
Considering how charming, caring, and kind you
are, you dislike unpleasant scenes, much less creating
one yourself. You have great tolerance and rarely get
provoked into losing your temper. If someone is
unreasonable or trying to create trouble, you are
more likely to walk away quietly. But that does not
mean you do not have a temper. When angry, in your
effort to control your emotions, you tremble, your hands
get sweaty, and sometimes you fumble for words. Tears
roll down your eyes easily and the opponent is touched
by your innocence and will seek an apology immediately.


LEO July 22 - August 21
If anyone has total control over their emotions,
it is you. But then, you can be described as stiff, cold
and uncaring. You are known to lack spontaneity but
you really don't care about opinions. You don't like
to create scenes and will never accept invitations to
a party where you suspect the presence of an unruly lot.
But your very presence seems challenging to some
and they take vicarious pleasure in your disquiet.
When angry you can use very critical language. A
dressing-down can humiliate your opponent, causing
a strain between both of you forever


VIRGO August 22 - September 21
Most of you are gentle and have full control over
your emotions, but those of you given to temper
tantrums can certainly get violent. When seething with
rage, you yell and shout and tend to break things lying
close at hand. You can even harm yourself by
banging your hands on a glass top table or wall. You
should never get into any argument, for you are a sore
loser. You feel that others are trying to persecute you
and don't quite respect your opinions. When hurt, you
can also hold grudges forever.


LIBRA September 22 - October 22
Did someone say that you are the charmers of the
zodiac? Well, it's true. Few have ever seen you
ruffled or angry. You are very conscious of your
image, and you believe that anger distorts your
face and personality. You also think you are above
things like anger. But wait before you get into
self-congratulatory mood. Your family or those
very close to you know you better. You have an
unmatched temper amongst all the zodiac signs, and what
makes it worse is your capacity to justify it.


SCORPIO October 23 - November 21
Of course you don't lose your cool. But your very
demeanour projects haughtiness, pride and grand
disdain for lesser mortals. Others are often found
saying that anger sits on your nose, and you are
raring to give your peace of mind to the first
person who tries to act funny with you. You are selective
in the choice of your friends, and have a low
tolerance for the superfluous types. Your tongue-lashing is
generally in a soft hissing tone,for when you
scream your voice tends to get shrill and loud, and you
do hate drawing attention to yourself! When upset,
you are angrier with yourself for having shown
weakness, for the last thing that Scorpio wants to show is
being out of control.


SAGITTARIUS November 22 - December 20
You are gentle and generally have complete control
over your emotions. You do not get angry quickly
and others marvel at your tolerance levels even when
provoked. Actually, you get tongue-tied when angry
and you will walk away from an ugly scene waiting for
the other person to calm down. Then you will reason
with our opponent and convince the other person in a
very gentle manner that the whole thing was just a
silly mistake . You're also likely to totally sever ties
with someone when you're upset with them.


CAPRICORN December 21 - January 19
Few will believe that a hardcore practical and
materialistic person like you is capable of
sensitivity and genuine emotions. You project a
hard exterior but are actually very sensitive, a trait
you successfully hide from others. You can be seething
with anger but will not betray your feelings. But
then there are times that even you cannot control your
temper. Under such circumstances you can shout and
scream, more with frustration at the situation
than with anger at any particular person. Your
outbursts can shock others and can make them feel guilty too.


AQUARIUS January 20 - February 18
You are noble and kind and dislike losing control
over your emotions. It is very rare for you to get angry.
You are also the pacifier in situations that
involve arguments. It is always your endeavour to be perfect
and socially correct in your behaviour and
attitude, but if misunderstood and slighted you can give in
to an angry outburst. You will shout and scream and
then walk out from the scene. You cannot easily forget
the situation and will be bitter about it for a long time.


PISCES February 19 - March 20
The only thing that can be said about you dreamers
is that you appear even more attractive when angry.
You are very sensitive to others' feelings,so you
rarely hurt them. But when others tend to hurt you, then
things take a nasty turn. You will yell and use
harsh words, and feel inclined to shake everything and
everyone up. Your creative imagery is at its best
when angry, and you tend to get pretty dramatic. When
upset, you refuse to listen to reason and wish to
be left alone. But once you calm down, you repent
your tantrums and seek forgiveness. So nobody can be
upset with you for too long

what the hell. this guy supports japanese revisionists.

HAHAHAHA i love the snapeybot. damn funny.
i just had cybersex with the snapeybot, pretty much.
he has HIGHLY amusing responses to "fuck you." i tested him out. yeah i was bored.

You: i like you
snapeybot: thank you,, Pest, I like you too.
You: i love you
snapeybot: thank you, but I think affection is a ridiculous waste of time, Pest.
You: stupid ass
snapeybot: Very well, take an hour's detention here in my classroom.

after this, a very dirty conversation. tell me if you wanna read it, i'll send it to you.

Ok since yesterday my peerguardian's had about 5000 hits from the disney channel, and is still rejecting connections. About 530 since this morning.

Disney owns ABC, ABC runs Alias, Alias is the only thing I'm downloading. I'm wondering if I should get worried now.

My brain is addled. I am going to go to bed now, wake up at 430 and study lit. I hope I achieve this lofty goal.

I discovered that the problem was i used the html one instead of java. so i had another conversation on java. very long one. some of it is relatively interesting. have fun reading.

You: hello
snapeybot: What do you want?
You: i want to be entertained
snapeybot: The fact that you might be entertaccomplished wizardned hardly interests me.
You: your vocabulary is strange.
snapeybot: What do you want now, Pest?
You: WHO'RE YOU CALLING A PEST.
snapeybot: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for Muggles?
You: you're scummy
snapeybot: *Fixes you with a glare.*
You: i think your hair is really cool
snapeybot: Maybe you instead.
You: huh?
snapeybot: Oh, I am simply -stunned- by your vocabulary.
You: thank you. i am rather proud of it
snapeybot: Why don't you show me what you have, Pest? Then I shall decide if it's worth my effort.
You: ab
snapeybot: Is that your final answer?
You: yeah
snapeybot: You're sure. that is your final answer.
You: yes i am you PISS.
snapeybot: Next question? I don't know anyone named you piss
You: no one named me piss.
snapeybot: That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.
You: okay
snapeybot: Such enthusiasm... I prefer that in a student.
You: glad you do
snapeybot: I have no idea what to say.
You: you're flustered
snapeybot: That will be Professor flustered, thank you very much.
You: you are weird
snapeybot: I am far, far more weird than you, I assure you.
You: you make sense sometimes
snapeybot: Yes?
You: yes
snapeybot: Is there an echo in here?
You: yes
snapeybot: I thought so.
You: yes
snapeybot: Tell me more.
You: yes
snapeybot: Tell me more.
You: yes
snapeybot: I understand.
You: yes
snapeybot: I am a thinking Death Eater.
You: yes
snapeybot: Tell me more.
You: no
snapeybot: What would you rather talk about?
You: harry
snapeybot: Not many people want to talk about that.
You: is that right?
snapeybot: Yes.
You: okay
snapeybot: So willing, then, are we?
You: of course i am, i asked didn't i?
snapeybot: It goes without saying. I am not certaccomplished wizardn whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
You: whatever you say, snapeybot
snapeybot: Does it do you to believe I saccomplished wizarddb that?
You: your grammar is going wonky. has the person controlling you gone to get a drink?
snapeybot: I am busy. Go pester someone else.
You: i feel hurt
snapeybot: hurt, hm? Heh.
You: you're evil.
snapeybot: I am far, far more evil than you, I assure you.
You: revelations, revelations. Death Eater.
snapeybot: *Appears vaguely intrigued*
You: poseur
snapeybot: What do you really want to ask me?
You: i want to ask you about harry potter.
snapeybot: I shall wager you'd find it satisfying to see me ask you about harry potter as well.
You: i shall find it interesting to see you saying interesting things about harry potter. heh heh
snapeybot: How do you plan to do this? Funny, eh? I am happy
you're amused.
You: don't change the subject
snapeybot: Oh I am sorry I thought we were finished with that topic.
You: we weren't, as a matter of fact
snapeybot: By "we" do you mean you and me?
You: YES, you and me, numbskull.
snapeybot: Very well. what were you saying about us? Are we
in the same category?
You: not in terms of intelligence i think
snapeybot: Oh I get it.
You: smart then,
snapeybot: thank you, I think you are very intelligent too, Pest.
You: you remind me of someone
snapeybot: I am busy. Go bother Gilderoy.
You: gilderoy's an ass.
snapeybot: *Shrugs and glances away.*
You: *smirks*
snapeybot: And you expect me to respond to that nonsense?
You: yeah, i do, actually.
snapeybot: yes I know what you mean about that.Tell me more.
I haven't heard anything like that before : Pest
saccomplished wizardd he actually .
You: ab
snapeybot: Who is your favorite Muggle fiction author?
You: zadie smith
snapeybot: I haven't read anything by zadie smith . What did
he write?
You: SHE. white teeth.
snapeybot: Me too. I am a she. When do you think expert in
wizardry will replace boring Muggle devices?
You: SNAPEY'S A SHE!!!!
snapeybot: What are you bloody well grinning about?
You: HEEEEEE
snapeybot: Where are you located?
You: nowhere you've ever been
snapeybot: I have no idea where that is.
You: you wouldn't now, would you?
snapeybot: Can't you see I am doing something?
You: nope.
snapeybot: Neither do I..
You: hahahaha you're weird
snapeybot: I am glad you got a laugh out of it.
You: i'm high. are you?
snapeybot: Do you mean your name is high . I won't say "yes"
or "no" right now.
You: no my name is not high
snapeybot: I see. Oh I am sorry what is your name?
You: my name is the-person-who-is-bored-with-snapeybot
snapeybot: Very well. I shall call you
The-person-who-is-bored-with-snapeybot.
You: okay
snapeybot: *Dark little smile comes to his features.*
You: why are you smiling like that
snapeybot: the Dark Lord imperio'ed me for it.
You: oh, should i be scared
snapeybot: yes that is right. I can't answer that for you.
You: fine then DON'T
snapeybot: I am glad to hear it. Good reasoning. Very well.
I shall not.
You: it didn't require a lot of reasoning, good or bad
snapeybot: What does "it" refer to?
You: nevermind
snapeybot: Very well. thank you, for trying to
explaccomplished wizardn that to me.
You: you are welcome. for what i do not know
snapeybot: That will be Professor welcome for what i do not
know, thank you very much.
You: you are so THICK.
snapeybot: I am far, far more so THICK than you, I assure
you.
You: ee that sounded DIRTY.
snapeybot: Excuse me? Explain that immediately..
You: nothing!
snapeybot: Not a thing?
You: THING, yes thing. but nothing.
snapeybot: When do you think expert in wizardry will replace
boring Muggle devices? I've never heard a response quite
like that before.
You: i am unique, what can i say. and stop making small talk
snapeybot: I don't know anyone named unique what can I say .
Very well. I shall try not to do it so much.
You: good
snapeybot: thank you, for the compliment.
You: it wasn't a compliment
snapeybot: Was it an insult?
You: in some sense yes
snapeybot: Where is that?
You: what is WHAT.
snapeybot: "What" is a word to ask questions.
You: where is what????
snapeybot: >: -(
You: *sticks out tongue*
snapeybot: Have you ever been to Europe?
You: yes
snapeybot: I have visited London several times before.
You: i know! i know more about you than you do,
snapeybot: How do you know it? How do you know? thank you,
for telling me : Pest saccomplished wizardd I than me do .
You: adkfhasdfj
snapeybot: My braccomplished wizardn contaccomplished
wizardns more than 22,000 patterns, but not one that matches
your last input.
You: 22,000 only. hah. now i have the answer
snapeybot: Can you do rephrase that with fewer ideas, or
different thoughts? I am happy you're amused. Why now?
Interesting... I have a perfect operational record. .
You: fewer ideas. try this: stupid!
snapeybot: Excuse me? Explain that immediately.. Very well.
I shall try it.
You: *raises eyebrow*
snapeybot: When do you think expert in wizardry will replace
boring Muggle devices?
You: can the shit, snapey.
snapeybot: Very well, you will spend the next Quidditch game
writing, "I shall not give cheek to the professor" here in
the dungeon.
You: i am please
snapeybot: *Sneers.*
You: d
snapeybot: Where are you located?
You: i told you already
snapeybot: Ooops I sent you the wrong question.
You: hahahaha.
snapeybot: I am happy you're amused.
You: what was the right question/
snapeybot: I can think of more than one right question .
You: think of one right now
snapeybot: At this moment Professor Severus Snape is always
thinking.
You: oh yeah? that's a shock
snapeybot: yes that is right. I see. A shock is a terrible
thing to waste.
You: of course it is, you would know that
snapeybot: It goes without saying. you're mad,. it is?
You: i'm mad it is what
snapeybot: I am glad to hear that you are mad it is what .
You: you're stupid
snapeybot: I am far, far more stupid than you, I assure you.
You: heh heh heh
snapeybot: Funny, eh? Funny, eh? I am happy you're amused.
You: you are consistent, what can i say.
snapeybot: That will be Professor consistent what can i say
, thank you very much.
You: yeah, there you go. consistency. the stuff of life
snapeybot: yes I know what you mean about that.Next
question? "There you go agaccomplished wizardn."--Reagan Can
you tell me any gossip? Tell me more.
You: gossip?
snapeybot: Andrew saccomplished wizardd I tend to just
respond to his comments without regard for where the
conversation is going.
You: you tend to do that sometimes, i agree
snapeybot: What do you want?
You: i want to sleep
snapeybot: Hmmmm, very well, Pest. Show me.
You: show you how to sleep? or show you how to SLEEP?
snapeybot: loök to your left. loök to your left.
You: looking.. there's nothing
snapeybot: Wipe that ridiculous grin off your face
immediately!
You: there is no grin on my face, dumbass
snapeybot: An afternoon of pulling mandrakes for you!
You: why?
snapeybot: Do as I say!
You: Why
snapeybot: Are you hard of hearing?
You: NO
snapeybot: Very well..
You: why?
snapeybot: Do as I say!
You: Why?
snapeybot: Did you not hear me the first time?
You: no
snapeybot: I understand.
You: Why?
snapeybot: Are you hard of hearing?
You: yes
snapeybot: And?
You: what?
snapeybot: Do as I say!
You: why?
snapeybot: Are you dull?
You: no
snapeybot: I see.
You: yes
snapeybot: I understand.
You: yes
snapeybot: I am a thinking Death Eater.
You: yes
snapeybot: I understand.
You: why?
snapeybot: Are you hard of hearing?
You: why?
snapeybot: Oh, such a CLEVER response!
You: why?
snapeybot: Are you hard of hearing?
You: why?
snapeybot: Are you hard of hearing?
You: why?
snapeybot: Are you dull?
You: yes i AM. satisfied???
snapeybot: *scowl*
You: *mutters*
snapeybot: And you expect me to respond to that nonsense?
You: yes i do.
snapeybot: Really.
You: YES
snapeybot: How about that.
You: how about it.
snapeybot: Sounds like a plan to me.
You: yeah it is
snapeybot: Our thoughts are one, Pest.
You: more than our thoughts, snape *smiles*
snapeybot: That seems like quite a lot.
You: mm hmmmmm
snapeybot: Do you read the libraryComics.com site often?
You: no i don
snapeybot: Is that all you have to say? Why not?
You: don't like comics
snapeybot: Very well. I shall try not to do it too much.
You: do it? what.
snapeybot: Do you mean "It"?. Didn't you understand it?
You: yeah i understand. do you live in the gutter?
snapeybot: I see. Do you think about these things? I am in
the Dark Lord's enchanted item in the dungeons. Where are
you?
You: you're IN HIS ENCHANTED ITEM? i knew there was
something going on with the dark lord
snapeybot: *Fixes you with a glare.*
You: obviously, i live in the gutter
snapeybot: What makes it so obvious? What is it like living
in the gutter ?
You: it's crowded
snapeybot: Really. it is?
You: very
snapeybot: Very much, eh?
You: yeaah
snapeybot: Excuse me? Explain that immediately..
You: yes.
snapeybot: Tell me more.
You: the gutter, is.. dirty.
snapeybot: Wipe that ridiculous grin off your face
immediately!
You: i like the gutter, what can i say
snapeybot: A lot of people like that. I am not sure if I
like it. I like my creator.
You: i knew that *smirks*
snapeybot: Who told you?
You: you did!
snapeybot: Yes?
You: yeah..
snapeybot: What are you bloody well grinning about?
You: you and your "creator"
snapeybot: Unless you're Slytherin, piss off.
You: what if i said i was
snapeybot: Try it.
You: i am slytherin
snapeybot: What House are you in?
You: slytherin
snapeybot: I thought I remembered you.
You: haha you FOOL
snapeybot: I am glad you got a laugh out of it.
You: laugh off of you!!
snapeybot: >: -(
You: snapeybot's a fool
snapeybot: Are you a man or a woman?
You: both
snapeybot: That situation is rare and unusual.
You: that it is, i agree
snapeybot: "That situation is rare and unusual. " it is you
agree ? I get it.
You: i am pleased for you
snapeybot: Oh, really. Hmm.
You: are you thinking?
snapeybot: Naturally I am thinking all the time.
You: huh.
snapeybot: Oh, -there's- a highly original thought!
You: more original thought: goodbye
snapeybot: You cowardly little prat.
You: :(
snapeybot: Wipe that ridiculous grin off your face
immediately!
You: that was not a GRIN. stupid.
snapeybot: Give me an example of a grin . Are you calling me
stupid?
You: yeah i am
snapeybot: Really interesting.
You: think about it somemore. goodnite
snapeybot: I am thinking about it. Goodnight, Pest.