i have vienna on repeat - which is a bloody gorgeous song. i'm loving billy joel and i haven't done any work today, but i'm feeling happy. i was halfway clearing up my documents folder because it's so full of crap that it makes up about 70%, probably more, of the 85GB of space that's taken up on my hard drive. i need to get some dvd-rs and burn all the alias eps and oc eps and the movies and everything. anyway i came across a document i saved last year, into which i'd copied daph's post on isolde called 'my turn for goodbyes'. the post that made me cry buckets. i'm getting oddly sentimental now. the part she wrote for me:

"and then there's aparna, who's unashamedly self-indulgent and makes chit and me wait for her while she hunts for white tubes at level one. she nevers apologizes, either, or when she does she doesn't really put any heart into it. and while this could piss the both of us off quite majorly i think we're absorbent because it's intimacy. and the things about aps that you love, how everything seems to glance off her, how everything is met with indignance and then thrashed out and forgiven and forgotten. aparna on the phone talking about everything and nothing at all, or not talking at all, just letting the silences linger because the silences are ok, and the silences are almost reassuring, and there'll be something to say in the next five minutes or so, so why hang up? aparna who sees everything through a kind of alias-related haze. who could potentially be reminded of vaughn when she sees chicken wings because maybe his ancestors hailed from kentucky and his grandfather used to have loose hugs or something. who, when you're halfway through the most scintillating match rundown in the history of england's world cup record, tells you to change the subject because she's bored. aparna who somehow manages to separate the sense from the nonsense (though this is not to say she always goes with the sense) and understand, who has fifty million rubbish video clips on her com and a brother who draws moustaches in pen on her sydney posters, who checks her mail at 6 am. who has a creepy bangalore friend and checks out people's blogs randomly and gets hooked on them if they're completely crap, who qualified in the damn band category at talentime with dawn and me, and had funky retro hair and a silver top. aps who eats vegetables and battles her hair internally because she wants straight hair but if she straightens it then the curls will grow out and she'll look kinda freaky. and who thinks johnny depp's eye sockets are sexy, who turned to me during mexico when enrique was blowing fire out of his guitar and said, "god, is it just me or is everything in this stupid movie hot?", and who sat up and at attention with me when dean corso woke up nude under the covers in the night and waited for the, ahem, revelation that never came. aparna who seems to have had a part in all of my obsessions for the past 4 years. she's the day to day, and the constant, and she's who i never have to feel insecure around, never have to worry what she's thinking, worry if she's bored when i go quiet, though she might have been quite often. and she watches most of my movies with me, or at least most of the illegitimate ones where i'm actually having a math lecture in school till about 4 so i'll come home myself today mum. who sleeps in class. who's perpetually bored. who shops. like there's no tomorrow. who forcibly removes her brother from her room. who's going to run a magazine with shirin and finance my films. who isn't fully evolved yet. who knows i'm shy. yes, you are the day to day. and all this listing is because i can't put it into words, and i love you."

and that's when i decided that i missed her like hell. chit says that daph's inherently missable. pity she doesn't read my blog anymore. understandable, though. our lives have diverged. which is really wrong, considering that how extremely close we used to be. i've decided that no matter how happy i currently am with everything in general, the friendships can't really compare to the ones i've had for years. it takes a while to realise.. except for maybe one or two people, 8 months is too short to become really close to a person. i guess it was last night - i realised i hardly know some people i thought i knew fairly well. and read wiggy's post about 8 months being such an odd period of time. i guess the 'canned crammed nature' of jc life makes people feel very close, but it's not the same thing as real emotional intimacy. i think the fact that i've been so busy so long made me feel like i didn't miss the old things, old friendships. but when your life clears up a bit, old feelings resurface. i feel rather thankful i'm not in a relationship right now. i'd probably screw things up completely if i were to add another emotional factor into my life. i'm bad enough with things like that as it is.

my mom's birthday is tomorrow, and i don't know what to get her. and i'll be in school the whole day, to top it off. my brother says he'll get her something from j8 and i can share, so i'll give him money in advance. my mom's so hard to buy for. anything i know she'd really like is wayyy out of my budget. my brother should be easier to buy for, he'll be happy with a book or something.

have math, history and econs to contend with on top of everything, and i slept most of today away. and read half the '13 going on 30' book. which i only bought because of jen garner, as a book it's basically a play-by-play of the movie. all these movie to book adaptions are stupid. did you know that sweet valley had a series of books that was made from the tv series that was made from the original books? how silly is that. the only nice thing about these books is that they've got nice pictures from the shows. and i read more of the templar revelation. making very slow progress despite it being terribly interesting, because it's the first non-fiction book i've read in years, probably. oh and i'll send mellim's essay to her over the weekend.

chit and kelly have the same nick all of a sudden! 'till human voices wake us, and we drown.' i suddenly realised that my taskbar had two of the same thing, and wondered if i was seeing double, then realised that chit had changed her nick to the same as kelly's. it's from prufrock, by ts eliot. which reminds me that i also just found out about a booksale at PS, at which some people got some really fantastic books for fantastic prices. i am so annoyed that i always find out about booksales too late! and i pay through my nose at kino/borders, meaning i never buy as many books as i'd like. i think the last time in singapore that i bought about 5 books in a go was sometime last year in kino, when i spent about 150 bucks buying about 6 books or something. and at booksales, i could've gotten about 20 books or more for that much!

ugh.
no i'm still in a happy mood. my dad's going to bring me ice-cream tonight when he comes back from dinner. oh and i feel shitty cos due to schoolwork i can't go out for dinner tomorrow, therefore my mom's birthday dinner's being pushed to friday. really hating school now.