I am disgusted with myself. (And I just realised that this is the second entry in a row that has begun with 'I am disgusted'.)

I just watched Kal Ho Naa Ho for the second time, and at the deathbed scene, I bawled my eyes out even worse than the first time I did (which I guess is a good thing, since the first time was a dirty crowded Delhi theatre and flooding the place with tears would have been bad.) And I cried a fair bit that time, plus I wasn't the only one. My friend was pointing to his sister and showing me that she was crying, and he thought he would find in me someone who'd laugh with him at the crying people, until he realised that I was crying myself. And I'd wager that 90% of the women in the theatre were crying. I heard a lot of sniffles and saw a lot of teary faces while coming out.

But that's not the point. The point is, from a critic's perspective, I can see so much wrong with the movie. All I like about it is that the leads are my favourite in Bollywood, and that the songs are nice and it was very nicely set in New York, and that it was really really funny at bits - especially the gay stuff, which is daring for Hindi cinema.

Yet the plot is a huge cliche, and the acting is incredibly melodramatic and anvilicious when it all gets sad halfway through the movie, and some of the sobbing scenes are just ridiculously manufactured to tear-jerk. It's really very annoying at points.

So in some sense I really don't like the film - it's a typical Bollywood soap, if done with flair, as most of them today are done. I loved the first half, and the tears and drama in the second half were bad. But it was in the second half that I cried, as soon as the deathbed scene started. Not even during the "she'll be mine in every other lifetime, every birth, promise me" part. I started off right when he asked Gia again, to marry him. And I didn't stop till the 20 years later scene, because that scene was totally unnecessary and stupid.

And I never used to cry! I used to be the girl who had never ever cried at a movie except when my dad took me to the Imax for something about volcanoes - Ring of Fire, I think it was called. And I was five and I cried because it scared me very very much. Until last year I'd never cried out of sadness or joy during a movie. I sometimes got that lump-in-throat feeling, but no tears had ever fallen until last year. But then I just started crying, and so every time I do cry during a movie it's proper, free flow of tears. I think it was the Buffy season 6 finale - althought that means that I've only cried at that, and the two times I've watched KHNH. Which is scary, because the only movie I've ever cried at in that case is KHNH and it's hardly the saddest movie I've ever watched, even if it's evidently the movie that's made me feel the saddest. Buffy on the other hand is understandable. Oh! I think I almost cried at Tabula Rasa when Tara left and Willow was crying. But Buffy's capable of stirring up very much emotion in me, in any case. Like the end of Season 2, and the end of Season 3 as well. And the end of Season 5 and 6. Well that's a lot of ends. And I'm sure to cry at the end of Season 7. And not stop crying for a long time, because it's the very very end.

I'm sure that I've cried at something else. Atleast one other movie. I can't for the life of me remember. But one thing's for sure: I'm turning into a softie.

Chit says that the only time she's ever seen me cry was at the airport when Daph left. That's pretty scary, considering Chit's known me for about 8 years.