ewww i just read a seth/ryan smutfic! it was disturbing. according to this fic, ryan's been gay ever since he was in prison in chino, and you know. in prison you get fucked in the ass a lot or something, and then ryan started loving it and then seth discovered that ryan was gay and he was gay (haha happy - gay geddit.) and then they were both gay together.

anyway that's why i'm blogging during this ban period. because there's no one online whom i can share my disturbedness with. no one i know who might sympathise with the disturbingness of smut. i don't like smut. or actually, i don't like slashy smut unless it's harry draco, and even then i prefer non-smut and i'm not a huge expert on harry draco anyway. and don't ask me what i was doing looking at fanfic. i'm obviously not studying. which i should be. i will never read another slash smut fic again. i just thought it might be interesting. therefore i will cross reading a vaughn/will off my list of things to do before i die. or will/jack, which could be easily shortened to wack which is just... gross.

the only smut i've ever enjoyed reading is the perfect weapon, which i still need to read fully. and it's classily smutty, and that writer must have a hell of a sex life. and anyway the perfect weapon's not a pwp type of smut, nor is it all smut. i mean, significant parts of it involve sydney, so smut would be slightly wrong. it's got really good plot. (the perfect weapon is about jack and irina, when sydney was a little girl, therefore smut involving sydney would be highly wrong and would have turned sydney into an even more screwed up girl than she already is.)

oh and. disappointingly, i am going to bangalore for the holidays after all. and then the pondicherry thing. so no more hopes of japan/turkey/st petersburg/stockholm. my parents have such a nasty habit of getting my hopes up and then dashing them. and plus my mother was the wonderful person who brought up the possibility of st petersburg. it wasn't one of my own harebrained plans that they were obviously going to say no to. we spent more than ten minutes discussing it and everything! i -must- convince them about my post-a-level europe thing. although they're currently saying that it's a bit insane of me to want to do something like that, when the world's getting more and more dangerous. logical, i guess, but welcome to the land of my parents, ladies and gentlemen. they are highly risk averse (ref: sloman p.97, demand under conditions of risk and uncertainty.) and my brother's even worse than them, he refused to go to st petersburg because beslan's in the same country. whatever. atleast i can buy lots of books in india. i want lots and lots of poetry books now. and daisy miller by henry james. and i want a copy of anna karenina because it sounds more interesting and less fat than war and peace and thereby i might read more pages of it. and a lot of other stuff, including my wishlist and new booker prize stuff and all that sort of thing. jhumpa lahiri, vikram seth. poetrypoetrypoetry. i want a carol ann duffy book and a pablo neruda book. does cad have a book of her poetry? oh and f scott fitzgerald. poems, this side of paradise and tender is the night. and i have his short stories and the great gatsby, so that'll be a good collection. i must make a list after these infernal examinations get the hell out of the way. am listening to the i am sam soundtrack. always makes me happy. i need an ipod. maybe i can convince my dad, in compensation for the boring holiday of the every.damn.year-ly variety. i'll be doing the usual. eat shop sleep. though my grandma cooks very well as do most grandmas, and shopping in india is nothing short of fantastic. only it's generally the indian variety. there's no abercrombie/zara/topshop/mango in india. oh actually there is mango. but i suppose manish arora and priyadarshini rao and ritu kumar have their own charm, and are much cooler than the average mango top. mango and zara do get a bit boring. i love someone looking at my pants and going "zara?" and me going "no, it's the gap, actually." atleast you don't get gap in singapore. shakes things up a little bit. need more non-singapore shopping. need shopping actually, stat.

ok i haven't really missed blogging, but evidently when i start i can type endlessly. purvis was talking today about why people write - books, diaries, etc. personally, i find it's really fun being unashamedly self-exhibitionist on blogs, as i told chit the other day. cheap thrills. i don't really used my blog as a platform for my anti-establishment rants or philosophical wanderings, and i don't write any poetry or anything literary for that matter that i would ever want to make public, so it's just a ditz-journal, really. so bernie can take his digs at my ditziness all he wants. i will just be aparna. somehow that reminds me of something antony said. i will be antony? did he say that? promos on the brain, gah.

ok if i don't go offline now i will kill myself.