ok this is just me cleaning out my hotmail inbox and putting random things here, because i realised the entire fiasco with me not getting mrs perry's mail and so on was because my inbox has a lot of shit in it. but, being the eternal hoarder that i am, i need to keep some of the stuff somehow or the other. and, if you haven't already seen this at some time or the other, it's quite hilarious.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
----------------------------------------------------
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(hey, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
well...oops, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...you don't say!!!!!...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


AND. horoscope, anyone?
----------------------------------------------------

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to
be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly
because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are
dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do
nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you
are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your
friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence
and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a
dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn
and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for
too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for
thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other
people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things
off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think
you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your
shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are
cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good
bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult
time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil.
Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in
business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success
because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch.
Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You
have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You
are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of
any importance.


Our lives in Singapore
----------------------------------------------------

In Singapore, living in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB), most people get used to Paying And Paying (PAP). Not only do you pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt (PUB). As if that's not enough, some agencies still Purposely Want to Dig (PWD) more from you. What to do, when you are in the Money Only Environment (MOE)? With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS), you are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA), which leaves some people Permanently Owing Some Banks (POSB) and living on the Loan Techniques Always (LTA) system.

Even when you are broke, there is no mercy, because whatever consultation there is, in the form of No Talk Use Cash (NTUC) only.

When you are sick, you might be able to use your Cash Prior to Funeral (CPF) fund, if you happen to be admitted to the Money Operates Hospitals (MOH) once.

If you are out of luck you may meet doctors who Never Use Heart (NUH) in treating you and you will be Sure to Give-up Hope (SGH).

Above all, don't be admitted to the New Changi Hospital because you will Never Come Home (NCH).

To help ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On Expressway (COE). If that doesn't help, they can always Eternally Raise Prices (ERP) on the roads. If you don't own a car, you have to make a Mad Rush to the Train (MRT) and get squashed Side By Side (SBS). Finally, under all this pressure, there are not many places you can relax, not even the good old place we used to go because it has become So Expensive and Nothing To See Actually (SENTOSA).


LIFE'S REFLECTIONS
----------------------------------------------------

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

3. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

4. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

6. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

7. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

8. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

9. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

10. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

11. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

12. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

13. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket? I said I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

14. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the BillClinton Adult Bookstore.


Racism
----------------------------------------------------

A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here..."

The black man turned around and stood up. He then said,

"When I was born I was black,"

"When I grew up I was black,"

"When I'm sick I'm black,"

"When I go in the sun I'm black,"

"When I'm cold I'm black,"

"When I die I'll be black."



"But you sir..."

"When you're born you're pink,"

"When you grow up you're white,"

"When you're sick, you're green,"

"When you go in the sun you turn red,"

"When you're cold you turn blue,"

"And when you die you turn purple."

"And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...


Kids are Great!
----------------------------------------------------
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the
shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!
That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell
me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it
out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking
for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my
toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little
smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell
in the toilet a few days ago.


KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister,
Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."


MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The
little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the
matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother
said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said
as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my
shoe?"


POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is
that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I
replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"


ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"


DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When
she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know
that it always gives you a headache the next morning."


SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm
just wasting my time," she said to her other. "I can't read,
I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as
he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell
out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between
the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What
have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's art work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" And one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Mom, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!


Pregnancy FAQ
----------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Because you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


FOOT IN MOUTH
----------------------------------------------------
FOOT-in-mouth disease is the plague of the modern politician. What began with
the occasional verbal stumble by wartime leader Winston Churchill has lead to
some leaders becoming the object of international ridicule. Step up George Bush.

With Dubya, the condition has scored a direct hit, with a stream of ridiculous
statements spewing from the world's most powerful man.

But Bush isn't the only one. Our own politicians and members of the Royal Family
have all suffered from the affliction.

Now author Stephen Robins has collected the best of the faux pas in his latest
book The Ruling Asses - A Little Book of Political Stupidity.

Here we have chosen the very best of the worst.

How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?
-Prince Philip, speaking to a Scottish driving instructor.

We are not wholly an island, except geographically.
- Former PM John Major, Prime Minister.

Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.
- President Ronald Reagan.

You can sum up what CND means in two words: 'Trust the Kremlin.'
-Winston Churchill.

I am not quite certain what my right honourable friend said but we hold
precisely the same view.
- PM Margaret Thatcher.

There was universal support for it and very little opposition.
- Lord Montgomery.

Our cabinet is always unanimous, except when we disagree.
- William Vander Zalm, Premier of British Columbia, Canada.

Those who say that I am not in agreement with the policy are, rightly or
wrongly, quite wrong.
- William Whitelaw MP.

I don't know what he means, but I disagree with him.
-President George Bush Snr.

We were unanimous...in fact, everybody was unanimous.
-Eric Heffer MP.

Good Christian people will not catch AIDS.
- Edwina Curry MP.

l I believe that all illegal organisations should be outlawed.
-Reverend Ian Paisley MP.

No, I might catch some ghastly disease.
- Prince Philip, upon being asked if he would like to stroke a koala bear.

l I answer in the affirmative with an emphatic 'No!'
-Sir Boyle Roche MP.

The only way we'll ever get a volunteer army is to draft them.
- Congressman F Edward Herbert of Louisiana.

Most beggars are Scottish and I've never met one yet who politely and gently
asked for money. There are no genuine beggars. Those who are in need have got
all the social benefits they require. Beggars are doing so out of choice,
because they find it more pleasant.
-David Maclean MP.

I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.
-President Ronald Reagan.

Harold Wilson has been going around the country stirring up apathy.
- William Whitelaw MP.

I favour capital punishment. It saves lives.
- Former First Lady Nancy Reagan.

Aren't most of you descended from pirates?
- Prince Philip, speaking to a Cayman Islander.

This is the advent of a new beginning of continued change.
- President Ronald Reagan.

My seven-year-old, who is now 10 ...
- Lady Olga Maitland MP.

If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed.
-Prince Philip, speaking to British students in China.

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- French President Charles de Gaulle.

Two things are clear and I want to make them absolutely clear.
-Harriet Harman MP.

For seven-and-a-half years, I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had
some triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex.
- George Bush Snr, attempting to say 'setbacks'.

No comment but don't quote me.
- Vice President Dan Quayle.

We're sending 23million leaflets to every household in Britain.
-Norman Fowler MP.

Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French.
- French President Charles de Gaulle.

I never make predictions. I never have and I never will.
-PM Tony Blair.

It is true that liberty is precious ... so precious that it must be rationed.
- Lenin.

One of the things that being in politics has taught me is that men are not a
reasoned or reasonable sex.
- PM Margaret Thatcher


TOLKIEN FOR BENGS
----------------------------------------------------

So the new Lord of the Rings movie is coming out, and you want to impress some
Ah Lian you're trying to buaya by being able to explain the whole complicated
plot with all the funny sounding names and words. You want to seem like you've
actually read all 3 books, but - damn suay - even The New Paper is too 'cheem'
for you. Neh'mine! Dun scared! Here is our easy to understand guide to J.R.R.
Tolkein's trilogy, written specially in the conversational style of Ah Bengs, so
you can memorize:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

Last time got this short-short person with si-beh hairy legs called Bilbo, lor.
He, hor, got this ring that last time belong to some monster. But then, hor, one
day suay-suay the monster want it back, and send his kah kiah to Bilbo's house
to settle, lah.

But the ring, hor, acherly can make people very powderful. But then, hor, if you
wear too long will also kena sai. Si beh hiong one, so better faster go and
destroy it, lor.

So Bilbo's nephew Frodo. Aiyah, dun ask me why their name all so funny, can or
not? You ask me, I ask who?

Anyway, Frodo and some peng yew kena arrow to go and destroy the ring.

But donno why also, they must do it in the monster's home, which is at the end
of New Zealand there.

So they walk and walk and walk across New Zealand, lah. And then along the way,
got monster chase them, got people want to hoot them, some of them dieded, all
sorts of thing, lah.

At the end, Frodo and Sam, his pooi-pooi friend who I think so is a bit ah quah,
got separated from the rest.


THE TWO TOWERS

Frodo and Sam meet up with this thing called Gollum, who look like he take too
much Slim 10 like that.

At the same time, hor, the other friends get into some powderful hooting
session, where, wah lau eh, even the ! trees can do gongfu one. They all fight
over what, I also donno, but quite kan cheong, lah.


THE RETURN OF THE KING

In the end, Frodo and his peng yew all win leow, lah. Arbuthen?


This condensed version of J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings trilogy was brought
to you courtesy of the Coxford Singlish Dictionary.


Heaven and Hell
----------------------------------------------------

* In Heaven:
* The cooks are French,
* The policemen are English,
* The mechanics are German,
* The lovers are Italian,
* The bankers are Swiss.

* In Hell:
* The cooks are English,
* The policemen are German,
* The mechanics are French,
* The lovers are Swiss,
* The bankers are Italian.

* In Computer Heaven:
* The management is from Intel,
* The design and construction is done by Apple,
* The marketing is done by Microsoft,
* IBM provides the support,
* Dell determines the pricing.

* In Computer Hell:
* The management is from Apple,
* Microsoft does design and construction,
* IBM handles the marketing,
* The support is from Dell,
* Intel sets the price.


MEN Vs WOMEN
----------------------------------------------------

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually
admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom:a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats but, when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.

Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally
beautiful with fertile deltas.


Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade -
especially for someone with cash.


Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own
beauty.


Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and
desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.


Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering
past but alas, no future.


After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no
one wants to go there.


Geography of a Man:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick!