to add to my HATE list, i have ted casablanca. and i -like- kristin veitch, especially as she loves vaughn as much as i do. and well, the point is not that these things are inaccurate, which they're unlikely to be, but actually i'm just hating the bearer of bad news. what was it? "the nature of bad news infects the teller" - something like that. although besides that, his rape and bloody murder of the english language have already had him high on the decapitation polls for a long time.

he says:

"Behind the Seethings
The real-life espionage goin' down on the Alias set in Burbank is far more interesting than anything those wig-obsessed writers could come up with for next season, don't you think? No exactly open warfare between Michael Vartan and ex-with-the-most-moxie Jennifer Garner (yet). There have been no Ben Affleck sightings that I'm aware of (yet), but there is the mystery of the chairs...

I'm told by Alias sources that the chair setup has always been pretty much the same. Everybody has one of those fab director's chairs with their name on it (hooray for modern-day Hollywood!), and they're all together in a row--standard stuff.

This, I'm told, is no longer the case. Last week, Mr. Vartan's seat was moved far, far away--like 25-30 yards--and around the corner. He's in a hallway, all by himself. Oh, okay, they tossed in a minion to accompany him to Siberia, too kind. Jen, natch, stayed put. Whether this seating switcheroo was at Vartan's request (or hers), I do not know.

A helpful Alias exec type informed me no changes in seating have occurred. Oh, really?

A rep for Vartan had this to say: "I'm not aware of any chairs being moved."

So, gosh, shall we guess who'll get killed off at the end in a grisly fashion? Now, I should tell you that certain Alias vets are starting to wonder if everyone's getting killed off sooner than later.

Still, many sources are agreed on this: "Vartan's head is definitely on the block," pooped a single, solitary insider who regularly inhales Vartan's secondhand smoke.

Oops! I did it again--gave away something I wasn't supposed to! That's right. Mr. V. has been hittin' the death sticks again. I can hardly find fault, as I used to smoke three packs a day. Hopefully, he'll see what a damn hunk he is and stop killin' himself--soon. But I ain't his ma.

I wonder if the return o' the bad habit has something to do with J.G. being a health nut 'n' all? You know Ms. G. goes mental over smoking, doncha? Sure Mikey just forgot about that little personal no-nic rule, doncha agree?

Garner's reaction? "Smoldering," sniffs a prime Alias source.

Well, that makes two sides that aren't exactly happy.

First, Camp Vartan would say only "absolutely untrue" to my scoop last week that M.V.'s being written out of Alias. Second, some Vartan chums have made it clear that he was quite loyal to Jen until a devilish dare-dude hit the scene, a dare-dude these campers find "distasteful. (Wonder who?) Third, certain know-it-alls have cryptically quipped, "When [Vartan's exit] turns out to be true, we don't want you blabbing you told us so!" Little ol' dishwater-blond-no-more me? Nah.

And, fourth, what in the world would the fabulous Kristin Veitch have to bitch about if not for her precious-perfect Alias world that I seem to be messing with? K.'s gotten too damn pretty lately; I think we need to put some worry lines on that puss--same thing Michael's doin' with those cigs!

Stay tuned for more burning 'n' bothered A-grade gab.

Stew of Hearts

Okay, just a little bit more on mush patrol. Remember when Gwyneth broke Brad's throbber? We've got a little of that desultory starry sitch repeating itself here, what with Mr. V. being more than a bit mopey. You see, Vartan--despite his resilient ways--"really did care for Jennifer," insists one of his close buds.

Another Vartan camper was more circumspect: "[Michael] takes himself, his pain and this fling way, way too seriously. He's a bit of a drama queen."

Damn, I thought only us real queens suffered from that overwrought disease. So relieved to hear the hets have it, too!"