so catharsis is a shouting match with the mother, and a good long draining unabashedly self-pitying cry.

at least i got what i wanted.

oh and a phone call from dad in thailand, in the middle of all the shouting, and we compose ourselves and tell him about our day like the usual. and put the phone down and the shouting resumes, like someone'd just hit the pause button for a few minutes. funny how these things work.

i think i was just yelling stupider and stupider things in order to deliberately be more irrational than she was, and just piss her off. it was strange, because i think when i yelled the first absurd thing i didn't expect that it'd magnify and go on so long.

absolutely out of the blue - one minute i was standing there speaking to her and the next i got so pissed off i started yelling. and yet inevitable, i suppose. pent-up anger, stress, exhaustion, frustration. the sort of things i could only take out on her, and she'd be the only person who'll go back to normal in a day or so. or probably is already back to normal. she won't even change the things i yelled that i'd genuinely like her to change about herself. the same way i won't change all that she wants me to change. a less luxurious person might call it comfortingly familiar.

but even i - some strange tucked away part of me, anyway - am somewhat glad for all the shit she takes from me. not the ideal mother, but.... man this was supposed to be an angsty post, where did that go???

and did i just attempt to analyse an explosive row up there? just shows, doesn't it - hindsight makes everything funny, even a mere 20 minutes after the event.

ah well, i feel better. i like blogging about things.