don't read the below if you're not prepared for a repulsively long and self-pitying rant.
 
i'm disgusted, and even rathi ho's gp lessons are rubbing off on me, because this weekend has been an abject lesson in the way technology has become like a life support system. i haven't got a handphone, and i'm quite literally disabled. even with my mother's handphone. although that could be because her freaking sms service is not working. which i just discovered two minutes ago, and therefore decided not to take it to school tomorrow since it would just annoy me. and after i get my simcard back, i have to either use my super old nokia8310 or a relatively newer motorola, and i HATE motorola. and neither is a colour phone, obviously. and the fact is creating a larger-than-ever lump in my throat, and a need to bawl my eyes out, which i already did on friday night (not just over my phone, i'm not that pathetic.) although right now the almost-weeping-over-phone is bringing me to a heightened state of patheticness. gods. kaimin please win me a new phone.
and what's more annoying is that my dad said he'd buy me a new phone, but my mom said that she'd take the old phone and let me have her brand new colour phone, but just now she decided to change her mind so i have to take the old nokia. and i'm pining to be a whiny brat and get my way because my mom's phone, although not as good as the phone that i lost, is better than any old phone, but i can't even whine right now because my dad's in a bad mood having come back from tokyo just this afternoon and not having had any time to sleep and just having been fixing the mass of wires behind the tv and dvd player and amplifier and all that technological shite the entire afternoon and evening due to the royal screwups of the digital tv fixingup people, and he's just being grumpy although we're all telling him to just stop the fixing already if he's tired. but ever the perfectionist, he perseverses and continues being grumpy. and i still have a Situation.
anyway. i'm not going to have a handphone till my dad goes and gets my simcard. maybe that'll be soon. until then, whoever needs to contact me can basically go to hell. and i have lost all the phone numbers i had, the messages i had, the shopping lists i had saved in my phone, and the few photos i'd taken, and some weird stuff that i typed into my phone and saved during the course of the england trip because they were funny/memorable. and now i have none of that. i should really go back to good ol' pen and paper, eh? i sound like my grandmother. she's very cool, but she doesn't understand computers.
ok look who's the grumpy one around here.
and i still have a big fucking stack of work left to do. isn't life great.
and i don't even want to blog because my blog's just annoying me of late, but i felt i had something to say. friday night in my fit of misery i wanted to blog, but i came and the typing-in template had changed to a more convenient one, but it was different and it just pissed the hell out of me so i just went to bed. the misery still hasn't worn off.
it would be hypocritical of me to say again that i hate whining, wouldn't it? but i do hate it, i hate that i am whining, and whining doesn't feel any better, but i can't stop. basically because there is nothing else to do but whine. and i'm not sure if just shutting up and keeping the whining inside me would be any better. i think a cry might be good for me, but it would be too messy and time-consuming, although it has the possibility of my dad walking in, freaking out and promising me a new phone. but that would be evil, besides being messy and time-consuming. and the thought of just randomly beginning to cry freaks me myself out. or rather, imagining walking into my room and seeing me crying for no apparent reason. i already tried stomping around the house and pulling a long face but both my parents called me on it, so crying may not help anyway. but then i never usually cry so it might freak them out enough. but actually most of my crying is done in self-pity, maybe they realise that.
obviously i can't figure myself out, just like the ranting a few posts below this.