two days to mix me up, totally.
i am -confused-.
and i'm wondering whether it's weird that i've never been in love.
sometimes i wonder if i'm capable of love.
i don't really seem to love anyone.
and sometimes i think that speculating whether i'd marry for love or security, if i'd sleep with someone for love or for money (isn't there a tv show by that title), whether i'd have sex before marriage, and so on is sort of pointless at this moment because i have a long time ahead of me before getting married, and before i'm ready to lose my virginity and all that. and things definitely will change by that time. although i'm sure that i don't believe in casual sex. i don't know whether it's idealistic to believe that sex is a pleasure that is sacred in its own way.
sometimes it feels like it's shameful to have this idealistic notions about love and sex, like i'm being naive and old-fashioned and stupid or something.
sometimes i think that new-age liberalism is bullshit. religion might be annoying sometimes, but it isn't all bullshit. there has to be some reason that so many millions of people have believed and still do believe so strongly in their own particular religions. it can't just be that they're all stupid.
it occurs to me that the value of religion is that it gives you standards to live by. because we're human, and humans are fallible, and it's fucking hard to come up with standards for yourself.
but then i think, to just accept those standards is as easy as just saying that everything's right as long as it makes me happy, and just do whatever shit i want to. and the easy way out was never the right way, was it? so i think that creating my own standards has to be the right way. which is the goddamned hard way. and then i'm back to square one.
what is morality? and then i wonder about imposing morality. and is pleasure the ultimate goal and justification? where are the lines? what are the lines? yesterday i saw the third transexual/transvestite at the jelita caltex. as in, the third one i've seen there. my dad says there are lots more. and i wondered whether i was ok with transexuality/transvestitism, considering my ok-ness with homosexuality and bisexuality. and if the person's straight to begin with, does he/she become gay? and if they're gay to begin with, does he/she become straight? in terms of definitions, i mean. and how about their identity. do they really turn into the opposite gender? how far can a sex change operation change your identity as a male or a female? and considering the number of other scientific arenas in which they argue about playing God, does that apply here? of course to a lot of people god is a bad word - something i'm getting quite sick of. i wondered if the whole "i'm a woman trapped in a man's body" is just some stupid ridiculous notion born of stupid ridiculous minds. ok it looks like my extreme hatred of current gp classes is causing me to revert to the topic of the first term. incidentally, i need to go check out the difference between transvestites and transexuals again. i always get them confused. anyway i have to talk to someone about it and figure that one out. i don't think i'm very ok with it.
and then there's explaining the world in terms of capitalism, and explaining the world in terms of humanism. is secular humanism the way? i agree with a lot of it, although i think there's a lot that i don't know about it.
ok there were a lot more questions. i'm getting even more muddled up now, so perhaps i'll figure out some answers and sort the rest out later, by the by. hopefully i'll actually sort some out.
sometimes i think that not thinking would be the easiest way out.



also, new searches that landed on my blog:
amogh arts fac
aparna rj
rmun
rmun rj
rmun 2004

how very.. strange.