the Answer!Bitch is hilarious!

Why does Johnny Depp make himself look unattractive?
Lexie Lonsanto, London
Pretty actors are called celebrities. Pretty actors who make themselves ugly are called artists.


I have a huge crush on Colin Farrell. I know it is real love, but no one will believe me. I always have him in my head. I don't want to get over him either, because I really care about him. You know that big confession scene in Phone Booth, where Stu--Colin--pours out his soul to his wife? Every time I see that, I cry, because I know he will never love me that much. What should I do?
Amy L., Safety Harbor, Florida
Pity that the good Lord made only one chain-smoking, womanizing Irish guy who cusses like a rap impresario and counts beer as a food group. I feel your pain.


I've heard that Lord of the Rings star Viggo Mortensen has some jazz CDs out. Can you tell me where I might be able to purchase them online?
Lynda Emanuel, Wood-Ridge, New Jersey
Well, now, that depends. You looking for One Man's Meat, billed as "an exploration of meat and meat by-products"? (I kid you not.) 'Cause that one's sold out. However, if you seek more recent artistry, like PandemoniumfromAmerica--"a collection of spoken-word exercises and aural collage that wanders mournfully through high lonesome minimalism and dense atmospheres in search of redemption"--you can try TDRS Music or Perceval Press. (It includes special performances by Hobbits Elijah Wood, Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan--yes, really.)


Why, why, why do all these silly actresses insist on wearing high-heeled sandals that are obviously too small? I mean, their toes hang off the end and sometimes off to the side. That is so tacky. What gives?
Michelle Turpin, Nashville, Tennessee
Remember the celebrity rule of free. If they can wear it, eat it, drive it or hurl it at some production assistant, they can get it for nada. That goes for shoes, too. I guess you get what you pay for.


What is up with these paparazzi guys? Can't they just leave celebrities alone? I mean, how would you feel if you had a camera in your face every five seconds?
Karen Schmit, Las Vegas
Wealthy.

Dearest B!tch: I am interested in moving to L.A., hanging out at cool coffee shops and becoming an actor. Can you tell me why I should or shouldn't do it?
Joe Magma, San Francisco
We're sorry. All our cool coffee shops are busy serving other deluded unemployed types. Please try again later.


I'd like to ask actor Jim Carrey on a date: I wrote to his agent at United Talent, with no reply. Any advice?
A Law-Enforcement Lady Looking for Love in Los Angeles (anonymous for safety reasons, as I am a Sheriff's Department deputy)
Jim! You have a stalker! Call the pol--um, never mind.